Friday, May 28, 2010

The Grocery List

Recently, my friend Nancy H. sent me a great link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=-YFRUSTiFUs#t=65,
which is about a husband going shopping for his wife. As I listen to the video, I felt my stomach start to tighten and perspiration start to bead on my forehead! I was able to see in my minds eye, myself standing in the baking aisle wondering what to do! I could feel his pain!!

As a trained professional at grocery shopping; I am here to tell ALL men that, "IT IS NOT YOUR FELT". I see men in this situation every time I am in the store; they are the guys standing in the center of the aisle looking at the list, then at the shelve and back at the list. Please ladies, if you see a man in this situation, introduce yourself and give them a hug telling them it is alright (IMPORTANT: the hug will probably be enough to cheer them up and please note that if it is summertime or you are in a warm climate a second hug may be needed), then offer them some help! Remember, they DIDN'T WRITE THE LIST!

There; I said it, it is the list writer's who are to blame!

The first problem is, why can't the list be written in the order of which the store is laid out? When was the last time you saw produce as the first items on the list? Never! But what is the first thing you see every time you walk in the store...produce damn it! You know the most common reason given to men why they have to go to the store is because the list writer is there everyday, well if that is the case, why can't the list be written that way. I'll tell you way! Because they want us to suffer. It is a deeply rooted type of vengeance which I think Dr. Phil needs to get his hands around!

If that doesn't put the guy over the edge then there is the nasty trick of listing items that are in the same aisle separate from each other! There is nothing more frustrating than having to go back to produce when your in aisle 15 to get grapes. Why wasn't it listed with the banana's on the the first page? Some people have serious issues.

Another evil trick is the use of measurements to throw us off. For example, the list writer will put down that they need 3 cups of whipping cream; this is a huge red flag that you have been set up, the only thing in the store that gives you measurements in "cups" are some cheese's! They sit at home and chuckle to themselves knowing you are in the dairy section saying, what the $%#@. In there sick little world they also leave out that there is heavy and light whipping cream...it doesn't matter which one you go with...you will be wrong!

My advice to all men! Without the list writer knowing it, go to your local grocery store and become familiar with the store layout and the items.

Of course; if my hug the poor male shopper concept catches on you may want to rethink that!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Paper or Plastic?

Dressed and preparing for my daily workout; I felt the need to finish dusting the living room, when I observed one of the neighborhood dog walker's in front of my house! We all have them in our plans, they are the folks who think that their pets need the exercise as much as they do (definitely the case here). Most of these workout giants carry a plastic bag with them to scoop the poop into. Their technique is to place their hand in the bag and grab on to the pile then reverse the bag and tie; a strange and disgusting technique, yet effective and appreciated by the homeowners.

As I watched the owner of this large Basset hound, I knew that if this Tootsie roll looking creature with no legs, pinches out a loud of Kibble-n-Bits that there was no way it was getting picked up...as if the damn dog read my mind, it bent what I think were legs and dropped the largest pile of vile that I have every seen. The owner joyfully patted "fighto" on the head and immediately returned to her "workout", leaving the steaming heap of puppy chow in my yard!

If I want dog crap or any other piles of crap in my yard, I would gladly find a way to produce and deposit them there! I don't take Max; my son's Guinea Pig, for strolls around the plan and allow him to squat wherever he wants and if I did, I would pick it up!

Realizing that I couldn't allow this violation of neighborhood etiquette to go unpunished, I sprang into action! By the time I hit the pavement, dog and owner were making the bend onto the next road. I have no idea what the hell this lady is feeding that mutt but the stench was horrific, nearly causing me to vomit as I passed by. Not wanting to look like a complete lunatic by running after them while dry heaving, I chose to follow them until they reached their humble abode before I confronted them. It was when I turned the bend and had a direct bead on them that the question of; Do animal owner's resemble their pets crossed my mind? I can't answer that question in this case since I didn't get a good look at the owner but a can confirm to everyone that the dog and it owner were identical from behind! As I continue my surveillance, I then started to think about what I was going to say, coming up with nothing more than insults and four letter words, I made the mature, adult decision to not say anything! My mother would be proud! Instead, I would wait and see where they live and then I would seek out some type of revenge.

Do I pick up the pile in plastic and put it in their mailbox (federal offense...skip it) on their front porch or do I pick up the pile in paper and put it on their front porch and light it, then ring the doorbell and run for cover. They will come to the door and stomp the small fire out!

Executive decisions!