Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Turning Pro

That's right! I am formally announcing that I have decide to wave my final month of eligibility and turn Pro! I know many of you are saying, "It's to soon!", "He's not ready" or "He is going to get injured", but after my recent morning performance, there is "No Doubt" that I am ready.

When I got up I knew I was on my game! I got the youngest on the bus at 8:07 A.M. and skipped the chit-chat at the bus stop with the other Coffee Club member's...I was mostly caught up on the going-on's in the neighborhood plus it was game day! I rushed home and double checked the list; it was long and it would take perfection to pull it off but after a couple of weeks of practice, I felt confident! The route was laid out; almost all right turns, perfect! If UPS could do it, I could! I grabbed my brown bag from the refrigerator (there was no time for breakfast so a made a half sandwich to eat on the road...you seriously can't beat a eye of round roast, sliced paper thin sandwich)and head to the truck.

Max needed some bedding so the first stop was the pet store. I once read or heard that many people resemble their pets but didn't believe it until now. I had to pass the "bird section" and there was a mother with her "child" in a stroller. I couldn't tell you the gender because this kid looked just like the birds in front of it! I heard the mother squawk, that one of the birds looks just like theirs, when I looked up at her...Holy mother of god, I thought it was a giant yellow breasted, whip-poor-will ! There is no doubt that she could be on a postage stamp for the Audubon Society.

I couldn't dwell on this, the game was on!

From there it was off to the bank...yes, unemployed people have to go to the bank! Where do you think all those rolls of coins come from. Next stop was the grocery store to pick up a gift card for a birthday present and making a quick exit, I headed for what could be the end game, Wal-mart! The clock was ticking and I ate my sandwich at a couple lights where some driver's did not understand the concept of "right-hand turn on red" but they certainly understood what my right-hand was saying. I had to settle down as I headed in the doors of Wal-mart. The greeter spotted me immediately and began to back into the shopping carts; I think she recognizes me now, I gave her a quick smile and a big "good morning". Showed her who the greeter was! I snaked through the aisles with speed, avoiding every obstacle which that hell hole could throw at me. Through the twenty or less line and headed out the door, the poor greeter was leaning on the carts holding her chest, still stunned by my greeting to her when I let out a "have a wonderful day" to her, damn near put her over the edge!

The next stop was Costco. This was a challenge from the stand point of self control. As if I had blinders on, I swiftly made my way to my item and headed for the checkout...no stopping to browse. Total discipline! Plus I got in trouble last time I was here and came home with a couple of things my wife didn't think I needed.

The clock was still ticking and I had two stops to go! Off to the store to get the propane tank filled and then a fill up for the truck!

When the truck came to rest in the driveway the time was 11:38 A.M. Three hours and thirty one minutes, a all time record for completing errands and twenty-two minutes before the noon news started, with their special on "free coupon websites"!!!!

...and you thought I wasn't ready to be a professional errand boy!

Snap!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

War

As many of you know, I have become very good at savings when shopping, since my job situation was altered! So you can only imagine the surprise I got this Tuesday! In the mail was a advertisement from the grocery store I frequent, it had pages of items which would go on sale this Thursday! A bonanza of bargains on many of the things that my family grazes through every week. What a great find! This was huge! Not only did my grocery store have an ad but all of them did. They must have gotten together with this great concept to help out people like me!

With total excitement I began to plan for Thursday morning! There was no doubt that this would be like shopping before Christmas. I had to prepare a strategy that would rival the one my mom used in the seventies to buy my sister the "push in belly button, to make her hair longer Barbie" from Woolworth's Department store...we almost lost mom that Christmas. I immediately went to the "bunker" (aka. old office)to lay my plan out. I spread the ad across my desk and circled all the items that my family used, then a got out my coupon wallet. That's right, wallet! I'm a man and I was tired of carrying around a bright, lime green thing with coupons so I bought one of those leather wallets with a chain to use, the kind you see at the Harley-Davidson store...perfect! Tough looking, yet ideal for holding coupon separators and coupons. Maybe I should start a fashion line of these....I am on to something here! Anyway, I went through my coupons and matched the valid ones to the circled items, I could feel the savings. This was just the ground work of the planning, with an event this large, there was no doubt that my arch enemies would be out in force!

Purple Hairs! They were the meanest, nastiest, most cunning shopper's of the food chain stores. The Delta Force of the meat aisle, Green Beret's of can goods or the Seals of seafood! They used their elbows like daggers and their grocery carts like tanks! Most of their members are female and have an overall hatred for men except for their own male offspring and spouses! They wear disguises like hearing aids so that they don't have to say "thank you" or "pardon me". Glasses, so when they take the shot at you, they pretend they didn't see you. They will hang a cane on the cart to appear fragile while they are quietly thinking of a way to take you down. No doubt, Thursday morning was going to be a blood bath!

I decided that a recon mission was needed so I spent the better part of Wednesday scouting out my targeted items. I marked there location in my mind, a snapshot of my goal. I could not fail! I studied my enemy from a distance. Oh, are they cagey! They even leave their getaway car and driver out on the curb, engine running of course, for a clean escape. Their numbers increase as the day wore on, so an early attack plan was needed. In and out, no time for kindness or politeness. This was war!

Thursday morning arrived! D-Day! I had backed the truck in the night before for a quick deployment. I warmed the truck up as a got the final child off to school, not letting on to him the pearls I was about to encounter. They would just worry anyways. The deployment went as scheduled and in no time as was pulling in the parking lot...very few vehicle's, no lines outside, no tents from the night before and no cars parked at the curb...could I have achieved the element of surprise or were they waiting inside? I entered the location in stealth like fashion, area clear! Off to my first objective; achieved without resistance! Mission was going as planned and the cart was beginning to fill when I spotted her! The breakfast crowd at Denny's would be in the store anytime now! After a grand slam for breakfast they moved quickly before their internal functions kicked in gear and would prevent them from making a clean trip. She darted past the bread aisle and was heading for baking...damn it, I had to get there, I have blueberry muffin mix on my list. I quickly took the corner, cart on two wheels, clipping the end cap with my arm. I had made it! She turned the corner at the other end of the aisle and saw me. She immediately slowed her pace more like a traditional shopper but I knew this tactic from my recon mission. If I didn't evac the area immediately she would ram me away from the muffin mix. Quickly, I grabbed my three box and fled the area! Safe for the moment. At the front of each aisle, I would throw a glance outside to make sure there were no cars or worst yet, a tour bus with a sign displayed saying, "Atlantic City", another one of their shifty ploys!

I had reached all my objectives and only had the check out line in front of me. Play it cool, your almost there! Oh no, the clerk was a "purple hair"! I had not planned for this event. I couldn't proceed to the self check out because the one from baking had been stalking me and had taken a tactical position up to stop me. Acting as if nothing was going on I began to place my items on the belt...this was it!

When I finally made eye contact with her I could see it! She knew there was no stopping me...victory was mine.. and with victory came savings!

Monday, March 1, 2010

A Dilemma!

Back on my shopping rounds; I found myself in all new territory. It is a store that nothing is small; no...not the Big and Tall store, what the hell would I be doing there! They need to open a Small and Short store for me! It was Costco. (similar to a Sam's Club). My goal was to just stop and pick up our photos but I decided to try and get some things crossed off the Wal-mart list.

What an unbelievable place! The first dilemma was the shopping cart; I knew I was in trouble when I had to reach "up" to grab the handle! The damn thing was huge! I had to look through the metal bars on the side so that I didn't clip another shopper. I didn't make it through the doors when the first employee had to speak with me; you have to show your membership card to get in, why? And how the heck did you see me behind the boat I'm pushing? Once in inside, you have to proceed down aisles that are stacked to the ceiling with merchandise. I was like a tourist walking down the streets of New York for the first time; head up in the air and not even watching where I'm going. After causing several shopper some leg pain while trying to read the boxes on the upper shelves, I realized that the only things you can buy are located on the lower shelves. Sorry folks.

The first area I waded into was the health and beauty section. Q-tips and bar soap, easy. I quickly found the soap and was amazed that to purchase one bar, you needed to purchase ten bars! Ten bars of soap, how long will that last...a real long time. I understand buying in bulk but this is a little more than necessary. Seemed like a bargain so I tossed the lunker pack of soap up into the cart and moved on to find the Q-tips. Now I love Q-tips as much as the next person; I mean there is nothing like a Q-tip ear cleaning that makes one eye (same side as ear being cleaned)squeeze close because it tickles, but who needs a three hundred and fifty count box of them? Again, seemed like a good bargain, so they got the big toss up into the cart.

Before I knew it, that boat of a cart was full. Fifteen cans of green beans, wrench set, fifteen cans of corn, eight piece screw driver set, three bottles of ketchup, shop vac, two bottles of mustard, countless Nutri-grain bars, picture frame, sleeping bag, hand warmers, etc. Since my shoulders were starting to get sore from lifting and throwing items up into the cart and the only thing I had crossed off my list was soap and Q-tips, I decided to find bottle water and move on. Once I found the waters, I was glad they were in the rear of the store because there would have been no way for me to get those up into the cart. I quickly slid them on to the shelve underneath and headed for the check out line.

This is where dilemma number two happens. How was I going to get that stuff out of the cart? I quickly placed the case of bottle water on the ground and stood on it to recover my booty!

Well, that was all the shopping for the day, I had to move all of the cleaning chemicals at home to find a place for all this food stuff! And get my work area in the garage straightened up :-)

I bet my wife will be proud of me for saving so much!

That is where dilemma number three started....