Friday, June 4, 2010

WARNING: Medical Alert.

Many of you know that I started this blog in an effort to help others. Little did I know it would lead me down the road to discovering a huge medical disorder!

STEPHOBIA!

Definition: Please do not confuse this with, Climacophobia, which is the fear of just walking up or down stairs. The is the fear of using the stairs while accomplishing a task! I came across this problem at the beginning of my stay at home career but wanted to conduct a complete study to document my theory.

Case Study: The study started on March 1st with four subjects; two females and two males, which consisted of one adult, one young adult, one teenager and one preteen. The study lasted for the period of three months and ended on June 1st.

Finding: All four subjects suffer from chronic STEPHOBIA! 100%

I was shocked! Who knows how many individuals could be living with this disease? There could be victim in your home!

STEPHOBIA can be identified very easily. Warning signs that you may have a victim in your home do not have to involve the stairs at all! Things like not putting a new roll of toilet paper on the holder, leaving shoes in the doorway instead of placing them where they belong, putting the trash in the garage but not carrying it 15 more feet to the can or leaving a wet bath towel on a floor instead of hanging it up, are all indicators of STEPHOBIA in its infant stage.

In its developed stage the victims will walk past a full laundry basket and not make any effort to carry it up or down the stairs! They will write items on the grocery list without going down to the pantry or freezer to check and see if there are any more of said item. They will come through the door that doesn't require stairs no matter how dirty they are! They consistently yell to individuals up or downstairs instead of coming to speak with them and get angry if you don't hear them. Most of them are harmless unless you ask them to bring you something down the steps..chances are the item you asked for will come to you in the form of a projectile from above! (Use Caution it can hurt!)

I can not give anyone a cure for this disease but I am hopeful that once my article to the New England Medical Journal is published I will be able receive research funding.

I can only offer some advice on how to minimize its impact on your day to day life. Catch phases like, "you can't go there tonight" or "they can't come over to play" seem to help deter this ailment or actions like not buying the item on the grocery list which is in the pantry or freezer until they go check or leaving their laundry at the bottom of the stairs seems to help.

I believe this is huge and any feedback in helping me find a cure would be greatly appreciated.

The good news of my finding is that the stay at home parent DOESN'T suffer from this ailment..thank goodness for the "Domestic Gods and Goddess"!

Friday, May 28, 2010

The Grocery List

Recently, my friend Nancy H. sent me a great link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=-YFRUSTiFUs#t=65,
which is about a husband going shopping for his wife. As I listen to the video, I felt my stomach start to tighten and perspiration start to bead on my forehead! I was able to see in my minds eye, myself standing in the baking aisle wondering what to do! I could feel his pain!!

As a trained professional at grocery shopping; I am here to tell ALL men that, "IT IS NOT YOUR FELT". I see men in this situation every time I am in the store; they are the guys standing in the center of the aisle looking at the list, then at the shelve and back at the list. Please ladies, if you see a man in this situation, introduce yourself and give them a hug telling them it is alright (IMPORTANT: the hug will probably be enough to cheer them up and please note that if it is summertime or you are in a warm climate a second hug may be needed), then offer them some help! Remember, they DIDN'T WRITE THE LIST!

There; I said it, it is the list writer's who are to blame!

The first problem is, why can't the list be written in the order of which the store is laid out? When was the last time you saw produce as the first items on the list? Never! But what is the first thing you see every time you walk in the store...produce damn it! You know the most common reason given to men why they have to go to the store is because the list writer is there everyday, well if that is the case, why can't the list be written that way. I'll tell you way! Because they want us to suffer. It is a deeply rooted type of vengeance which I think Dr. Phil needs to get his hands around!

If that doesn't put the guy over the edge then there is the nasty trick of listing items that are in the same aisle separate from each other! There is nothing more frustrating than having to go back to produce when your in aisle 15 to get grapes. Why wasn't it listed with the banana's on the the first page? Some people have serious issues.

Another evil trick is the use of measurements to throw us off. For example, the list writer will put down that they need 3 cups of whipping cream; this is a huge red flag that you have been set up, the only thing in the store that gives you measurements in "cups" are some cheese's! They sit at home and chuckle to themselves knowing you are in the dairy section saying, what the $%#@. In there sick little world they also leave out that there is heavy and light whipping cream...it doesn't matter which one you go with...you will be wrong!

My advice to all men! Without the list writer knowing it, go to your local grocery store and become familiar with the store layout and the items.

Of course; if my hug the poor male shopper concept catches on you may want to rethink that!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Paper or Plastic?

Dressed and preparing for my daily workout; I felt the need to finish dusting the living room, when I observed one of the neighborhood dog walker's in front of my house! We all have them in our plans, they are the folks who think that their pets need the exercise as much as they do (definitely the case here). Most of these workout giants carry a plastic bag with them to scoop the poop into. Their technique is to place their hand in the bag and grab on to the pile then reverse the bag and tie; a strange and disgusting technique, yet effective and appreciated by the homeowners.

As I watched the owner of this large Basset hound, I knew that if this Tootsie roll looking creature with no legs, pinches out a loud of Kibble-n-Bits that there was no way it was getting picked up...as if the damn dog read my mind, it bent what I think were legs and dropped the largest pile of vile that I have every seen. The owner joyfully patted "fighto" on the head and immediately returned to her "workout", leaving the steaming heap of puppy chow in my yard!

If I want dog crap or any other piles of crap in my yard, I would gladly find a way to produce and deposit them there! I don't take Max; my son's Guinea Pig, for strolls around the plan and allow him to squat wherever he wants and if I did, I would pick it up!

Realizing that I couldn't allow this violation of neighborhood etiquette to go unpunished, I sprang into action! By the time I hit the pavement, dog and owner were making the bend onto the next road. I have no idea what the hell this lady is feeding that mutt but the stench was horrific, nearly causing me to vomit as I passed by. Not wanting to look like a complete lunatic by running after them while dry heaving, I chose to follow them until they reached their humble abode before I confronted them. It was when I turned the bend and had a direct bead on them that the question of; Do animal owner's resemble their pets crossed my mind? I can't answer that question in this case since I didn't get a good look at the owner but a can confirm to everyone that the dog and it owner were identical from behind! As I continue my surveillance, I then started to think about what I was going to say, coming up with nothing more than insults and four letter words, I made the mature, adult decision to not say anything! My mother would be proud! Instead, I would wait and see where they live and then I would seek out some type of revenge.

Do I pick up the pile in plastic and put it in their mailbox (federal offense...skip it) on their front porch or do I pick up the pile in paper and put it on their front porch and light it, then ring the doorbell and run for cover. They will come to the door and stomp the small fire out!

Executive decisions!

Friday, April 30, 2010

Retirement

I asked my elderly neighbor if she would like me to mow her lawn for her; she thanked me for looking out for her and asked if I would. She has been alone for many years and looks forward to talking to anyone who will listen to her stories of better times. I mowed the yard on a week day, during the day! After listening to several tales of days gone by , I got started. Once I was finished she came out and thanked me again and offered to pay me, which I declined, but she shoved a check in pocket. As I said goodbye to this kind old lady, she asked me if "I was retired" !

Bitch! Retired, do I look as old as you? Sure, I am a card holding member of the Bus Stop Coffee Club, I have paper cuts on my fingers from coupon clipping, the greeters at Wal-Mart know me by name and I yell at the mailman if he is late but "Retired"

Do I walk up to you and ask if you "are living". NO!

My mower isn't self propelled, I pushed that puppy for the two freaking hours it took to mow your crabgrass filled lot. Retired! Those three filthy animals that I take care of everyday are my "kids", not my "grand kids". Retired.

I can not find any good in here question so I am going to take a nap before the noon news!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

A New Season!

First, I have to apologize for not blogging in so long! A very busy; still unemployed, several weeks has taken up all my time.

I got up the other morning and really felt different! I couldn't tell what it was, the sun was shining and the temperatures were to go into the upper 70's. There was nothing special about the day; job search, housekeeping, run errands and cooking, what has become my typical day. As soon as my feet hit the floor I felt the extra energy. I opened the windows to let in the fresh spring air and immediately got the first load of laundry started. Got the little guy on the bus and back at it. Cleaned the bathrooms and floors, dusted and vacuumed, then had breakfast. I then decided to clean out the closest downstairs and that turned into cleaning out the toy room! I wasn't sure where all this energy was coming from but I was enjoying it. It was a far cry from last week; I was irritable and sluggish all week. Just didn't feel like myself.

Next, I decided to strip the beds and wash all the linens. I hate this job, what was I doing! This job simply pisses me off, as I hate dust ruffles and believe the inventor of this item should be executed. I happily muddled my way through the job and started dinner in between loads. While chopping the onion, the tears started to flow and I thought about the movie, "The Blind Side". I started to tear up while watching that a few weeks ago. I don't do that! It must be allergy season!

Next, it was off to run errands and back. I had time before the filthy animals arrived home so I started to clean the windows inside and out. Just as I was starting the first window and thinking I have never done this, it hit me! I was Spring Cleaning!

Spring Cleaning! My idea of Spring Cleaning was cleaning out the shed and hosing the garage floor! My wife did this! I immediate stopped cleaning the windows and ran to the garage, grabbed a beer and sat at my work bench to ponder this strange twist.

A whole week of irritability and sluggishness...I even felt a little bloated. Then the watery eyes during the movie and now Spring Cleaning! OMG, what next, sensitive nipples!

It's alright; I checked, all good!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Turning Pro

That's right! I am formally announcing that I have decide to wave my final month of eligibility and turn Pro! I know many of you are saying, "It's to soon!", "He's not ready" or "He is going to get injured", but after my recent morning performance, there is "No Doubt" that I am ready.

When I got up I knew I was on my game! I got the youngest on the bus at 8:07 A.M. and skipped the chit-chat at the bus stop with the other Coffee Club member's...I was mostly caught up on the going-on's in the neighborhood plus it was game day! I rushed home and double checked the list; it was long and it would take perfection to pull it off but after a couple of weeks of practice, I felt confident! The route was laid out; almost all right turns, perfect! If UPS could do it, I could! I grabbed my brown bag from the refrigerator (there was no time for breakfast so a made a half sandwich to eat on the road...you seriously can't beat a eye of round roast, sliced paper thin sandwich)and head to the truck.

Max needed some bedding so the first stop was the pet store. I once read or heard that many people resemble their pets but didn't believe it until now. I had to pass the "bird section" and there was a mother with her "child" in a stroller. I couldn't tell you the gender because this kid looked just like the birds in front of it! I heard the mother squawk, that one of the birds looks just like theirs, when I looked up at her...Holy mother of god, I thought it was a giant yellow breasted, whip-poor-will ! There is no doubt that she could be on a postage stamp for the Audubon Society.

I couldn't dwell on this, the game was on!

From there it was off to the bank...yes, unemployed people have to go to the bank! Where do you think all those rolls of coins come from. Next stop was the grocery store to pick up a gift card for a birthday present and making a quick exit, I headed for what could be the end game, Wal-mart! The clock was ticking and I ate my sandwich at a couple lights where some driver's did not understand the concept of "right-hand turn on red" but they certainly understood what my right-hand was saying. I had to settle down as I headed in the doors of Wal-mart. The greeter spotted me immediately and began to back into the shopping carts; I think she recognizes me now, I gave her a quick smile and a big "good morning". Showed her who the greeter was! I snaked through the aisles with speed, avoiding every obstacle which that hell hole could throw at me. Through the twenty or less line and headed out the door, the poor greeter was leaning on the carts holding her chest, still stunned by my greeting to her when I let out a "have a wonderful day" to her, damn near put her over the edge!

The next stop was Costco. This was a challenge from the stand point of self control. As if I had blinders on, I swiftly made my way to my item and headed for the checkout...no stopping to browse. Total discipline! Plus I got in trouble last time I was here and came home with a couple of things my wife didn't think I needed.

The clock was still ticking and I had two stops to go! Off to the store to get the propane tank filled and then a fill up for the truck!

When the truck came to rest in the driveway the time was 11:38 A.M. Three hours and thirty one minutes, a all time record for completing errands and twenty-two minutes before the noon news started, with their special on "free coupon websites"!!!!

...and you thought I wasn't ready to be a professional errand boy!

Snap!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

War

As many of you know, I have become very good at savings when shopping, since my job situation was altered! So you can only imagine the surprise I got this Tuesday! In the mail was a advertisement from the grocery store I frequent, it had pages of items which would go on sale this Thursday! A bonanza of bargains on many of the things that my family grazes through every week. What a great find! This was huge! Not only did my grocery store have an ad but all of them did. They must have gotten together with this great concept to help out people like me!

With total excitement I began to plan for Thursday morning! There was no doubt that this would be like shopping before Christmas. I had to prepare a strategy that would rival the one my mom used in the seventies to buy my sister the "push in belly button, to make her hair longer Barbie" from Woolworth's Department store...we almost lost mom that Christmas. I immediately went to the "bunker" (aka. old office)to lay my plan out. I spread the ad across my desk and circled all the items that my family used, then a got out my coupon wallet. That's right, wallet! I'm a man and I was tired of carrying around a bright, lime green thing with coupons so I bought one of those leather wallets with a chain to use, the kind you see at the Harley-Davidson store...perfect! Tough looking, yet ideal for holding coupon separators and coupons. Maybe I should start a fashion line of these....I am on to something here! Anyway, I went through my coupons and matched the valid ones to the circled items, I could feel the savings. This was just the ground work of the planning, with an event this large, there was no doubt that my arch enemies would be out in force!

Purple Hairs! They were the meanest, nastiest, most cunning shopper's of the food chain stores. The Delta Force of the meat aisle, Green Beret's of can goods or the Seals of seafood! They used their elbows like daggers and their grocery carts like tanks! Most of their members are female and have an overall hatred for men except for their own male offspring and spouses! They wear disguises like hearing aids so that they don't have to say "thank you" or "pardon me". Glasses, so when they take the shot at you, they pretend they didn't see you. They will hang a cane on the cart to appear fragile while they are quietly thinking of a way to take you down. No doubt, Thursday morning was going to be a blood bath!

I decided that a recon mission was needed so I spent the better part of Wednesday scouting out my targeted items. I marked there location in my mind, a snapshot of my goal. I could not fail! I studied my enemy from a distance. Oh, are they cagey! They even leave their getaway car and driver out on the curb, engine running of course, for a clean escape. Their numbers increase as the day wore on, so an early attack plan was needed. In and out, no time for kindness or politeness. This was war!

Thursday morning arrived! D-Day! I had backed the truck in the night before for a quick deployment. I warmed the truck up as a got the final child off to school, not letting on to him the pearls I was about to encounter. They would just worry anyways. The deployment went as scheduled and in no time as was pulling in the parking lot...very few vehicle's, no lines outside, no tents from the night before and no cars parked at the curb...could I have achieved the element of surprise or were they waiting inside? I entered the location in stealth like fashion, area clear! Off to my first objective; achieved without resistance! Mission was going as planned and the cart was beginning to fill when I spotted her! The breakfast crowd at Denny's would be in the store anytime now! After a grand slam for breakfast they moved quickly before their internal functions kicked in gear and would prevent them from making a clean trip. She darted past the bread aisle and was heading for baking...damn it, I had to get there, I have blueberry muffin mix on my list. I quickly took the corner, cart on two wheels, clipping the end cap with my arm. I had made it! She turned the corner at the other end of the aisle and saw me. She immediately slowed her pace more like a traditional shopper but I knew this tactic from my recon mission. If I didn't evac the area immediately she would ram me away from the muffin mix. Quickly, I grabbed my three box and fled the area! Safe for the moment. At the front of each aisle, I would throw a glance outside to make sure there were no cars or worst yet, a tour bus with a sign displayed saying, "Atlantic City", another one of their shifty ploys!

I had reached all my objectives and only had the check out line in front of me. Play it cool, your almost there! Oh no, the clerk was a "purple hair"! I had not planned for this event. I couldn't proceed to the self check out because the one from baking had been stalking me and had taken a tactical position up to stop me. Acting as if nothing was going on I began to place my items on the belt...this was it!

When I finally made eye contact with her I could see it! She knew there was no stopping me...victory was mine.. and with victory came savings!

Monday, March 1, 2010

A Dilemma!

Back on my shopping rounds; I found myself in all new territory. It is a store that nothing is small; no...not the Big and Tall store, what the hell would I be doing there! They need to open a Small and Short store for me! It was Costco. (similar to a Sam's Club). My goal was to just stop and pick up our photos but I decided to try and get some things crossed off the Wal-mart list.

What an unbelievable place! The first dilemma was the shopping cart; I knew I was in trouble when I had to reach "up" to grab the handle! The damn thing was huge! I had to look through the metal bars on the side so that I didn't clip another shopper. I didn't make it through the doors when the first employee had to speak with me; you have to show your membership card to get in, why? And how the heck did you see me behind the boat I'm pushing? Once in inside, you have to proceed down aisles that are stacked to the ceiling with merchandise. I was like a tourist walking down the streets of New York for the first time; head up in the air and not even watching where I'm going. After causing several shopper some leg pain while trying to read the boxes on the upper shelves, I realized that the only things you can buy are located on the lower shelves. Sorry folks.

The first area I waded into was the health and beauty section. Q-tips and bar soap, easy. I quickly found the soap and was amazed that to purchase one bar, you needed to purchase ten bars! Ten bars of soap, how long will that last...a real long time. I understand buying in bulk but this is a little more than necessary. Seemed like a bargain so I tossed the lunker pack of soap up into the cart and moved on to find the Q-tips. Now I love Q-tips as much as the next person; I mean there is nothing like a Q-tip ear cleaning that makes one eye (same side as ear being cleaned)squeeze close because it tickles, but who needs a three hundred and fifty count box of them? Again, seemed like a good bargain, so they got the big toss up into the cart.

Before I knew it, that boat of a cart was full. Fifteen cans of green beans, wrench set, fifteen cans of corn, eight piece screw driver set, three bottles of ketchup, shop vac, two bottles of mustard, countless Nutri-grain bars, picture frame, sleeping bag, hand warmers, etc. Since my shoulders were starting to get sore from lifting and throwing items up into the cart and the only thing I had crossed off my list was soap and Q-tips, I decided to find bottle water and move on. Once I found the waters, I was glad they were in the rear of the store because there would have been no way for me to get those up into the cart. I quickly slid them on to the shelve underneath and headed for the check out line.

This is where dilemma number two happens. How was I going to get that stuff out of the cart? I quickly placed the case of bottle water on the ground and stood on it to recover my booty!

Well, that was all the shopping for the day, I had to move all of the cleaning chemicals at home to find a place for all this food stuff! And get my work area in the garage straightened up :-)

I bet my wife will be proud of me for saving so much!

That is where dilemma number three started....

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

An Appointment

I consider myself a semi-professional of the doctor office after this past year! The cardiologist is my favorite; I know exactly where to sit when I go in so that I have the best view of the HDTV, closest to the magazines and a view of the entry. In some "sick" way, I find comfort in knowing that I am much younger than most of the patients there. But taking my son to the pediatrician is a completely different experience!

It begins with the appointment! You need to have advance training in this art or have several years of experience in bartering for goods in the streets of Mexico City! Once the haggling over what time is settled, they politely inform you that if you are over fifteen minutes late, they reserve the right to re-schedule. Kiss my ...what are my rights after waiting an half hour or more? Re-schedule!

The next challenge was to get my son out of school early. I have enormous respect and appreciation for our educator's and all the individual's who work to further our children but damn, their tough when you want to get your child out early. I have never broken anyone or myself out of jail..contrary to rumors and popular believe, but it can't be much different than middle school! Several pieces of paper have to be completed along with multiple forms of identification, and that got me to the office! It was amazing, it smelled exactly the same as when I was in fifth grade, just missing the odor of "ditto" ink! Of course; they immediately ask for a room number and teachers name, damn test questions. I panicked, just like when I was in school and went blank...after allowing me to stutter for a second or two,they were kind enough to look it up and page my son. As I waited, I noticed the principals office and flashed back to a very bad experience, where I was sitting like I was now, but I was waiting for one of my parents to arrive for all the wrong reasons! It was really hot in there, a real nightmare!

Off to the appointment, which we were now late for. Once we got to the building: directions provided by my son, we quickly entered and signed in....14 minutes late, I showed them! It was the moment I turned around and looked at the waiting room that I was glad the old ticker had been fixed! There were kids everywhere but only several adults. The child to adult ratio had to be six to one, and that was including me! I thought we in Utah for a second. My son quickly knew I was stunned and led me to a couple of seats in the corner, wise young man, where we sat to await our turn. I scanned the room of children and realized that I should have been wearing a surgical mask to prevent some sort of airborne infection. Sick, polluted, little germ factories, working overtime! I then noticed a beautiful young girl, maybe four or five that was just staring at me. She had long brown hair and brown eyes as large as saucers, she had her head resting on her mother's shoulder for comfort and the largest green "chunk of gunk" I have ever seen coming out of her nose! As if planned, she let out a yawn and that "chunk of gunk" became the largest nose bubble in history...popping into her mother's hair!

What contest in hell did I win to end up here?

Friday, February 19, 2010

Figure Skating

I can't watch the Olympic Figure Skating Competition any longer!

This has nothing to do with the skater's. The men and women who compete are strong and talented individuals; they train long, hard and endure a lot of sacrifice to master this very difficult event. I consider Figure Skating a sport similar to; well, Synchronized Swimming.

My problem is with the announcers. It is painful for my brain to listen to them! If they would announce the event more like a sport and less like a fashion show, it would be fun to watch! If these same announcers were calling a NHL hockey game it would be terrible...

Announcer: Sidney Crosby has the puck on a breakaway and he shoots and scores! That is simply scrumptious!

Announcer: The penalty call is for tripping, that wasn't a trip! Boy, the makes me so mad I could crush a grape!

Announcer: That slap shot just makes me tingle to my toes!

Announcer: Delicious, just a Delicious play!

Announcer: He is one of the most elegant and delightful skater's they have!

Announcer: His form is a real treat, true eye candy to the fans!

I can't do anymore, my brain is beginning to hurt again!



Please call the event like a sport!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Safety First!

Sorry for not posting yesterday but it was a holiday and I took the day off. Since I have always been at a loss at what we are to do on President's Day, I did my usual trip to local cemeteries in search of heads stones with president's names. You would be surprised at how many you can find! "Obama" seemed to escape me but it wasn't for my lack of effort.

The kids wee off school and went back on Friday morning after a two hour delay, torture! Completely throwing me off schedule! My highlight was on Thursday when I had had enough and announced that each of them would be assigned a bathroom to clean. (each week going forward) After an amusing half hour of complaints, they all arrived to meet me in the first bathroom wearing plastic gloves with rubber bands around the wrists. Priceless. They all did a good job and now have a healthy respect for perfecting their individual aim!

After the herd had moved onto other pastures on Friday, I decided to complete a overdue task. The kids had been asking me to put in the new shower head which I was recently given. The Oxygenics 60110 Chrome. The baby can be adjusted from 20 to 120 p.s.i. WHAT? 120 pounds per square inch! This sucker could rip off a body part! I sat on the toilet reviewing the minimal directions and made; what I feel were three important discoveries, this thing came in a plain cardboard box(always suspicious), it looked like a fire hose nozzle (takes two-2 firefights to control a fire hose)and the directions said the "ideal comfort and performance level is 40 to 80 p.s.i." (why do I need 120 p.s.i's then).

I was very concerned about putting this pressure washer in the main bathroom out of fear for the kids but thought I could put it in and I would test it myself first! Always thinking of their "safety first". The install was easy and I turned it on for a look see...didn't seem to awful. As I got ready for the "dry run"; I began to think, what if it did rip off a body part? This would be a tragedy, I don't want to loss a body part, Valentine's Day is in two days...that would put a "damper" on the romantic side of that event. Oh, god no! I am home alone! Again; falling back to "safety first", I immediate got the "Reader's Digest-Everything you need to know about first aid" book, sat back down on the toilet, and began to study. A short time later I was ready to handle the loss of a limb or any other important body part. I placed my emergency first aid items on the toilet seat beside my cellphone, (pre-dialed to 911 so I only had to hit send, I may not be able to walk), there was the tourniquet to stop the bleeding and a Ziploc bag (gallon not quart)to place the severed limb into for transport to the ER for reattachment. Preparation is the key to success! I got into the shower and very carefully "backed" into the stream of water..to my surprise it felt invigorating and brisk!

I can say, the Oxygenics 60110, is a great shower head for loosening the shoulder, neck and back muscles. I can't say anything else since I didn't allow the water to hit anywhere else...

always thinking "safety first".

Monday, February 8, 2010

The Irony!

My very loving mother recently ordered me a subscription to Consumer Reports. Today; a very nice "Welcome" card arrived from the publication with my two free gifts. What a treat!

The first gift was a booklet entitled, "How to Clean Practically Anything". Unbelievable! Did they do some kind of background check? Did Mom fill out some kind of questionnaire about me? Maybe they were following my blog!

Then I saw gift number two; another booklet, the "Buying Guide 2010".

Sure, I am in the market for big ticket items; in between cleaning the kitchen floor and scrubbing the toilets, right before filing my by-weekly unemployment claim! There is someone in the subscription department at Consumer Reports just cracking themselves up right now!

I am starting to think that my life is someone's specimen cup!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Mercy Killing

If you ever see me sitting on the bench in Wal-mart; at the front of the store with a blue tooth in my ear, wearing a Viagra ball cap and eyeballing the greeter top to bottom. Please, please, take me outside and push me in front of the first car that is not yielding to pedestrians.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Super Bowl of Potato Soup!

First; I don't want any smart ass comments! I am doing this for all the die hard Steeler fans that will have to endure the torture of watching any other team play this Sunday!

1-1/2 cups of chopped onion
5-6 medium potato's (peeled and chopped)
1/2 cup of chopped celery
1 -32 oz. carton of chicken broth
1/2 teaspoon of salt
1/4 teaspoon of pepper
1/2 cup of all-purpose flour
1-1/2 cups half and half (one cup fat-free half and half)
1- 8 oz. bag of shredded cheddar cheese (2 cups)
Bacon bits

In a skillet, cook onion in 1 cup of water with approximately 20-30 bacon bits.

Spray your crock-pot or use liners (great new product). Add your broth,potato's, onions/bacon bit (water drained), celery, salt and pepper.

Cook on low for 6-7 hours, covered.

Mix your flour and half & half with a wire whisk until blended and stir into soup. Increase your heat to high and cook for 30 more minutes, covered or until thickened. Stir in your cheese until melted and smooth.

Can top, when served, with additional bacon bits.

Secondly; if I find this on the menu at Pittsburgh's best Deli and Catering service, I will expect a large sum of money! I don't want to name name's but Strictly Business Catering- http://www.strictlybusinesscatering.com, might just be re-named "Chris's- Strictly Business Catering!"

ENJOY!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

I thought I could make it...

I thought I could make it until Monday for an update but I hit a whole new level.

Yesterday; a good friend, concerned with my well being and my families stability came up with a career option I had not thought of....Pampered Chef!

Holy mother, you have to be kidding me, Pampered Chef! You may as well put Chef Ramsey from the Hell's Kitchen show in charge of the buffet at Disney World!

I am sure my invitation list; Dad, brother's, hockey coach's, hunting and fishing buddies would enjoy an evening of recipes and cookware talk but I don't think there is enough beer in Milwaukee to handle such an event.

Please keep the career options coming; I am going to get beer!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Question

Do you dust around or pick it up? The better question may be, "will she check?"

I have decided to go once a week on the blog. If I keep going day by day; I may depress myself to much as I enter the Day number. Check in each Monday for updates!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

One Month - Manly Men

I never thought it would come to this! I'm not talking about going a whole month without work but the fact I have been to the grocery store enough times that employee's recognize me and say, "Hello".

Today, I went as always, in my pickup truck, wearing my faded jeans and black hike boots. A sweatshirt and flannel jacket sporting a three day old, five o'clock shadow and a ski cap.

And if carrying a bright, lime green, velcro coupon holder doesn't say, "I am a man", I don't know what does!

Monday, February 1, 2010

Day 29 - ...and then there was...

There was the discovery of fire!

Then the wheel!

Then there was electricity!

Then men on the moon!

NOW, to my thrill there is...Slow Cooker Liners. I believe!

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Day 27 - Opposite's Attract

Tonight while driving home from a hockey game, a coyote ran across the interstate in front of us! Now, everyone who knows me, knows my passion for the outdoors and the sporting events that go with it. I was excited to see a coyote and kind of sad that the kids had not but my wife had also seen it. A short time later I asked my wife if that was the first coyote she had seen?

Her response was, "...do you mean other than on Gunsmoke?"

Friday, January 29, 2010

Day 26 - My house must be haunted.

I'm afraid it is true! The only explanation I have for some of the mysterious happening here is the paranormal! I'm not talking full body apparitions or satanic, evil things; just your run of the mill mischievous spooks that get a kick out of torturing a middle aged, unemployed, stay at home dad! In this case, that is me.

I am so convinced that Casper is lurking in the shadows, I have invited Ghost Hunter's International to come and investigate these phenomenons. A couple of examples that I sent them are:

1. The first activity never happens when I am home alone. After everyone comes home, this frigid little specter likes to crank the heat up in the house a couple degrees. I have never seen the thermostat actually get changed and when I ask everyone who is in the house if they saw anything, they all say that they were no where close to the thermostat!

2. Here is a really strange thing; the spook drinks things from our refrigerator. Again, I haven't witnessed the act of a gallon of milk hovering up in the air on its own, with the milk disappearing but I have surveyed the entire family and "No One" can explain the different empty beverage container that are always in there. I thought I would find an explanation until...

3. It eats! Just like the refrigerator, I keep finding empty nacho chip bags, potato chip bags in the pantry. Damn snack junky, bet it has a weigh problem but...

4. Here is the Loch Ness Monster of mystery's. Appearntly from drinking and eating so much, Nessie must have to use the toilet! The toilet paper continues to disappear and only the empty holder is left. When I question all the household member's I am guaranteed that they all replace the TP when required. I am starting to see a pattern.

And finally, the real clincher! It made yesterday's blog titled, " Day 25 - I think I am going crazy." disappear.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Day 24 - I never knew!

I was amazed at the amount of Valentine's Day cards in the stores! It was like a virtual goldmine of Hallmark cardboard and tissue in aisles of red and pink. Normally the sections for; Mom, Mother, Mom from both of us, Sweetheart, etc. are empty from Christmas and only a few mushy one's are laying around when I go. My luck is changing, I can feel it!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Day 23 - Learning

I have always told my kids and the player's I coach that they will never meet a person that they can't learn something from and they should strive to learn something new everyday! I thought I would share a few things I learned today.

Aliens from outer space are being denied their rights! That's right! Space aliens that have given birth here in our great nation are secretly being denied citizenship by our government. This is incredible! I am sure that the Rev. Sharpton and Jackson will soon be marching on Area 51 and the ACLU will file a federal law suit. I bet President Obama will leave this out of the State of the Union Address tomorrow.

"Batboy", the half human-half bat thing is alive and well, raising a family a short distance from the cave he was found in It is without a doubt that PETA will be involved to protect his "bat" half from his "human half".

The next seven things I can't explain but "I was Shocked" They certainly were 7 secrets that only women know because I never heard of any of them!

Oh; almost forgot, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are in Splitsville. Not sure where that is but I don't think it is around Pittsburgh.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Day 22 - Going Green

Every morning; I prepare for a day of laundry, today I made a major break through.

Each morning I find on top of the laundry pile all the night time apparel. Flannel pajamas, two pair of sweatpants, multiple t-shirts, pair of shorts and a couple pair of socks. Why do we even have any bed linens? (please see Day 16). Buy a sleeping bag. This entire pile equals a single load of laundry in itself! For a front loading washer, that is approximately 14 gallons of water per day or 5,110 gallons per year. If you have a top loader, that is approximately 40 gallons of water per day or 14,600 gallons of water per year! Huge!! Millions and millions of gallons of water saved if we all do our part.

Sleep in the buff American!

High-five me on another worldly problem solved!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Day 21 - Training

Conducted a training class today with my daughter. Life lessons are important and with the unfortunate extra time I have now, I feel that it is well spent passing on these pearls of wisdom. I would feel terrible sending her out in this sometimes cruel world without warning her of its dangers.

We went to Wal-Mart to gather supplies, just a short list to start.

As luck would have it she got to witness the Wal-Mart leaner within a very quick period of time. My very astute student, quickly made her own observation, the Wal-Mart Shuffle! This is the shopper or lack thereof, that shuffles about the store and doesn't buy anything. They move very slow and must all have a hearing problem or not have a working knowledge of the english language because none of them respond to the phrase, "excuse me". The teacher becomes the student!

Then it happened, we observed a Wal-Mart employee conducting his own training class for future Wal-Mart leaner's!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Day 20 - Normal

Hockey Game in the morning...cars washed...another hockey game this evening! Healthy insanity with a shot of testosterone. Feels like 21 days ago.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Day 19 - Good guys finish last.

For countless loads of laundry, I have carefully folded each item (as best as I can) for this entire house. I have placed their individual piles on their beds for each of them to put away; it took some reminding, but they always did it. Today, the nice guy decided to put their clothes in their drawers for them.

You can not imagine the horror when I opened my son's drawer! There; balled up like a chewed up piece of gum in the street, were the jeans I so carefully folded yesterday. I immediately had to take a glycerin pill to stop the onset of a heart attack! I know it was the same pair because they have holes in them and I always wonder how many pair of his jeans have holes. It then dawned on me that he wears the one pair every other day! Maybe if I make them into "cutoffs" it will free up some room in the drawer. Upon further investigation and a second pill, I discovered every drawer looked like the "junk drawer" in the kitchen...don't act like you don't know what that is, we all have one. After resting for a moment and much hesitation, I opened his closet door. Holy mother! Why did I bother putting all that stuff on hangers?

I was sure my little princess would have neatly put her clothes away. Drawer one didn't even have clothes in it! There were bottles of all kinds of crap piled up; nail polish, moisturizer, nail polish remover, cleaner and more nail polish. WHY? The second drawer contained all her cute tops, the same cute tops that are a real pain in my spin cycle to fold tops. Every single one of them looked like the discarded gum wrapper's from the above filthy animals room. I then opened the closest; the agitator cycle engaged when I realized that everything on the floor would fit in the drawer of bottles!

My final sliver of light, the little fella would not have developed these terrible traits in his short time on our planet...

We will never know, since I couldn't even pry his drawer's or closest open!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Day 18 - Etch A Sketch

My mother told me I played with the Etch A Sketch way to much. I almost called her today to see the living room carpet! After an hour of vacuuming, it looked better than the grass outfield before game one of the world series...and no footprints yet! I could start a career in "carpet art."

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Day 17 - Politicians

While muddling through my chores I listen to the television. The first week was flipping between the major news networks, listening to the talking heads put their network's spin on the same stories. The only take away from this experience was we elect some "real pieces of work" on both sides of the aisle! How do they get elected?

In week two, I began to explore what other shows I could listen to and quickly found myself changing the station on a more frequent basis. Today, it hit me like a lightning bolt. For the fortune of the masses and the future of our nation, I have discovered the reason why...Soap Operas! That's right, Soap Opera's!

Soap Opera's are completely unrealistic just like some of our politicians! They are mind numbing shows, similar to a politicians answer to a difficult question. There is nothing positive. Both their stories never change from year to year, sound familiar! It is the same old character's and they never seem to age! They pretend to be people that they really aren't. They are made up of actors/actresses that can not make it to the big screen, just like our senators/representatives that can not make it to the White House. I know this is scary stuff but millions of people watch soap opera's and millions vote for these politicians. Coincidence, I think not!

If you are a soap opera viewer, I beg you to stop! You are being sucked into to this horrible plan and don't even know it. Save yourself before it is to late! For us non-viewers; like the grains of sand in an hourglass, time is ticking away...save a soap opera viewer today!

Our country depends on it!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Day 16 - Stripping!

Get your minds out of the gutter, I am referring to the nasty job of stripping the beds! It isn't the actual task of doing this as much as I don't understand "why" we have to have so many linens for one bed! Anyone who has had to do this job would never design a bedroom with a bed against the wall. I count a total of five different linens per bed. I completely understand the "pillow case" and the "flat sheet" (I think is what it is called) and get the idea of the "fitted sheet" (again, I think that is what it is call).

My problem starts with the "dust ruffle" (see above). This is the biggest pain the butt I have had to deal with. This had to be designed by a very angry person. I assume the idea is to prevent "dust" from getting under the bed but I think it so kids can hide junk instead of putting it where it belongs. Judging by the amount of dust on said items, the damn ruffle doesn't work anyways. Once the "dust ruffle" is exactly in place you have to put the mattress back on. I don't care what you tell me; it can not be done without messing up the "dust ruffle"! Impossible! You spend another five or ten minutes going from side to side pulling and straightening. The other probelm with the "dust ruffle" is keeping it in place while you put the "fitted sheet" on.

I am not referring to the "fitted sheet" that we actually sleep on but the "fitted sheet" which has to go on the mattress before we put the "fitted sheet" on that we sleep on! I believe this is for padding; seriously padding, have you looked at the mattress...that is padding! Again, you have to lift the mattress on all four corners to stretch this sheet into place, messing up the "dust ruffle" as you go. If and when you get it in place so that it is actually on correctly, you have to go side to side fixing the "dust ruffle" again.

If that wasn't enough, you have to do it again with the next "fitted sheet" then you have to do the "flat sheet". The "flat sheet" is the easiest since you only have to lift one end of the bed!

Here is the solution:

Give all your linens to the homeless; they can use them and they will not have the issues I have because they don't have beds! Next, buy a sleeping bag and place on each bed... easy on , easy off!

As for the dust underneath each bed...well, that is why vacuum cleaners have attachments.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Tiger and I

I am to laundry what Tiger Woods is to golf! I am in a committed relationship to wash my workout clothes separately. While maintaining that relationship, I juggle a load of brunette's and multiple loads of blonde's!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Day 13 - OMG

While standing in the checkout line I bought a "Slow Cooker Cookbook !" OMG! I am going to cry myself to sleep now.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Day 12 - Conditioning

I really can't recall the last time I cleaned the shower/bathtub. The one thing I quickly remembered; as I began, was you can't do it without getting wet! The first droplets of water hit my clothes as I started to remove the dozen or so conditioner and shampoo bottles that litter each corner. Why had I not noticed these before? I fancy myself as a hair guru as you can tell by my pic and accomplish this feat everyday with one bottle. It says, "Mens, Conditioner and Shampoo, 2 in 1." So knowing what wonders one bottle can do, I had to analyze the rest of the salon collection of hair care products.

The first bottle I picked up promised, "80% stronger hair immediately"! This is done because it has "vitamin b12 & gelatin". Damn, a health snack for the follicles. I need to put jello on my list.

The next item labeled itself as a "potion" (this cracked me up) and a "fusion of Coco Mango & pearls". Pearls, how much does this stuff cost and can I throw out the coco mango and just have to pearls? Common everyone, you have to be kidding me! Someone received money for coming up with that crap?

Items three and four made the best promises yet! One "tames & streamlines" and the other "Smoothes and Aligns". Seriously; aligns your hair, aligned with what? The other hairs! Why do we have combs and brushes? Someone is misleading someone. What does "streamlined" hair look like?

I fear our generation may be lost.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Day 11 - Tar

Picking up where I was yesterday, I attacked the floors this morning! Once again, I gathered the bucket, mop styled cleaning tool and made a random selection from the chemical collection. I prepared the floors by sweeping; amazed at the volume of miscellaneous debris from all areas. I started to mop the entry floor from the garage with enthusiasm when I realized that many of the marks were not disappearing. Maybe if I press harder, no. How about if I use a sponge. no. O.K. a scrub brush will work, no! Upon closer examination I realized that it was "tar"! You have to be kidding me. It is January in Pittsburgh; the temperature has not been out of the 20's for a month, you can't even buy the stuff at Home Depot now! There will not be enough days in the week for the amount of therapy I will need!

I immediately began to check the sole of every shoe I could find. Why in the world can't these kids take their shoes off and neatly put them together? One shoe is two feet away from its mate. I can't wait until they get home from school. After twenty minutes of searching and straightening shoes I was no closer to solving the problem or finishing the task.

The simple solution was the same technique used to clean grease off of a tool or part; gas! I got the gas from the shed with new renewed enthusiasm knowing that the job would soon be done. While searching for a container to pour the gas in a came across the Goo-Gone in the chemical stash. I hadn't had time to check this out yesterday in my panic but paused to do so now. Making an executive decision, I decide to try the Goo-Gone first...BAM...tar was coming up! The smell was strong but after five minutes or so I began to enjoy the citrus aroma. I was so excited, I ran into the bathroom and tried it on the over spray on the toilets (still and issue-can't wait to they get home). It took me several hours but I did ever floor with this stuff! I wonder how much a bottle of this costs?

A bit of advise; use extreme caution if you do an entire area with this product, you could slip and fall when you go across it in your socks. I think the fumes may some effect also.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Day 10 - I think my wife may be a terrorist!

Today's project was to be cleaning the floors. I proceeded to the laundry room ( I spend way to much time in that area) to retrieve the tools of my labor...bucket, some sort of mop thing and whatever cleaner is required for this project. That is when the warning bells went off! I opened a cabinet which I can't remember being in before and found the stash of chemicals! Pinesol, Lysol, Clorox, Pine scented ammonia, Goo-Gone (what the?). You can imagine my disbelieve! These things have chemicals in them like Ammonium Hydroxide Solution and Sulfamic Acid; I don't know what that means but they all have other words like Caution, Danger, Harmful and DON'T MIX! If I used these things and had the residue on my hands; then attempt to get on a flight in the same day, I would end up in Gitmo doing laundry! Who needs all these things and why are there so many different kinds? As I elevated my threat level to "red", I immediately went to check the rest of the house and confirmed my suspicions. Under each sink, in every bathroom were more stashes. Each of these contained one bottle of the same chemicals; Scrub Free, Soft Scrub and Clorox Toilet Bowl Cleaner to name a few. By distributing one bottle to each area she had cleverly masked her stockpiles! Brilliant! I then remember the pantry, more! She was buying in bulk; three more bottles of toilet bowl cleaner, that made six in the house. Costco must have her video filling up carts of this stuff. In the interest of national security I decided not to clean today; to preserve the evidence, until I have researched this on the web.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Grocery Store (2)

After meeting with my fellow coffee club members at the bus stop this morning, I decided to follow the advice of these cagey veterans of the supermarket and go to Wal-Mart instead of the run of the mill grocery store! I grabbed my list and coupons and was on my way.

Having spent more time in WM (not in the food section) than at the grocery store, I was much more comfortable upon entry. Again, their was produce and my banana's and lettuce, two items down, going well! Moving down aisle one was when I first encountered what I will call the "Wal-Mart leaner". (WML) This is the act of leaning on the cart with your hands folded in the middle and above the child seat, on top of your coat. The fact that their coat is off should have been the first warning sign of trouble. The back must be bent at forty-five degrees at the waist and the pace of the walk is similar to an arthritic slug on its way to its own funeral! They position themselves in the middle of the aisle so that there is minimal effort to get any item that peeks their interest. The "WML" doesn't carry a list, they appear to be grazing and completely oblivious to the shopper's behind them...ME! If I only encountered one "WML" it would have been great but it appears that there is some kind of cult that frequents the grocery section there. Be Careful if you go there (I will not go back) and if you find yourself leaning, "Get Out and Save Yourself." I don't know where I am going to get food now!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Day 8 - The Grocery Store

After getting the kids off to school, I thought I would venture out to the grocery store so to beat the embarrassment of being a rookie shopper. With total confidence, I proudly entered with my list in hand. Produce was the first section and I immediately spied the bananas and lettuce; two items down, this is easy. As I made my way through produce, it became apparent that I was not the only one who thinks that shopping early is a good idea. There was a least another dozen or so shoppers and "none" of them were of my gender. The only male in sight was an elderly produce employee quietly arranging his grapes in the corner. Suddenly, I saw her coming towards me; a friend of my younger son's mother, I managed a smile and prepared for the conversation. As expected she immediately inquired as to why I was out shopping. I briefly explained my situations and politely asked how she was. She began to tell me how she had to shop early for supplies for a PTA event and without missing a beat proceeded to explain why "men like me" need to be more active in the PTA. (Men like me! What does that mean?) I nodded in agreement and then excused myself to resume my shopping. I proceeded to aisle 2, where I left my cart with the bananas and lettuce and came home. I think I'll try again tomorrow, at a different time.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Day 7

Day of rest! Got up at 6:00 for my teams hockey game, a victory! A well needed shot of testosterone. When I got home, my wife moaned that she was on load number three of laundry! This is curious since I have only had one load per day all week and everything was done. It only has been a day since I last did it....I have a bad feeling about this, a very bad feeling! I have to go read the "Tide" bottle.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

The Beginning!

I was facing unemployment for the first time in my life and needed to prepare for that day. The internet had a ton of useful information and I spent many hours researching, networking and surfing the web in preparation of the day. I was confident that when that terrible day arrived I was ready!

Thankfully, my wife had recently gone back to work full time after many years of taking great care of our home and three growing children. Our home was perfectly clean and the kids were always prepared for school and their individual events. I pitched in from time to time to help her with her endless efforts but really went around in my own little world. Again, I was confident that the household chores would not be a problem when that terrible day arrived!

The "terrible day" arrived and I hit the ground running on the job search. I also started to post my day to day experiences on Facebook in a cry for help...not much was offered but led to this blog. After some encouragement and the knowledge that there are many more spouse's paddling through the same challenges I decided to share these experiences on a open platform.

Please add your thoughts, comments and experiences. Together we can conquer and clean our way back into the workforce or else perish!

Remember, unemployment is only a temporary setback, be proud, confident and keep the Lysol bottle full!

Below are the first listing to catch up to date:

Day 2 - of cleaning out the office...18 years of crap, what a packrat :-)


Day 3 - since the career ended. I woke up this morning and thought to myself, "what am I going to make for dinner." Then my sister-in-law called "me" for a recipe...OMG.


Day 4 - and I am "On Strike" from doing laundry! Certain members of this house need to figure out how to put their clothes in the laundry without them being inside out. Those articles of clothing will not get washed until said owner corrects said issue! It is time us laundry doer's make a stand...join me in this effort, America!


Day 5 - BATHROOMS! How the hell do you miss? Its as if the toilet isn't there and fire hose let loose. It isn't like pouring 5 gallons into a thimble, it is more like a thimble into a 5 gallon bucket. Lucky it is a snow day because there is a little re-training happening today.


Day 6 - Started a blog