Friday, June 4, 2010

WARNING: Medical Alert.

Many of you know that I started this blog in an effort to help others. Little did I know it would lead me down the road to discovering a huge medical disorder!


Definition: Please do not confuse this with, Climacophobia, which is the fear of just walking up or down stairs. The is the fear of using the stairs while accomplishing a task! I came across this problem at the beginning of my stay at home career but wanted to conduct a complete study to document my theory.

Case Study: The study started on March 1st with four subjects; two females and two males, which consisted of one adult, one young adult, one teenager and one preteen. The study lasted for the period of three months and ended on June 1st.

Finding: All four subjects suffer from chronic STEPHOBIA! 100%

I was shocked! Who knows how many individuals could be living with this disease? There could be victim in your home!

STEPHOBIA can be identified very easily. Warning signs that you may have a victim in your home do not have to involve the stairs at all! Things like not putting a new roll of toilet paper on the holder, leaving shoes in the doorway instead of placing them where they belong, putting the trash in the garage but not carrying it 15 more feet to the can or leaving a wet bath towel on a floor instead of hanging it up, are all indicators of STEPHOBIA in its infant stage.

In its developed stage the victims will walk past a full laundry basket and not make any effort to carry it up or down the stairs! They will write items on the grocery list without going down to the pantry or freezer to check and see if there are any more of said item. They will come through the door that doesn't require stairs no matter how dirty they are! They consistently yell to individuals up or downstairs instead of coming to speak with them and get angry if you don't hear them. Most of them are harmless unless you ask them to bring you something down the steps..chances are the item you asked for will come to you in the form of a projectile from above! (Use Caution it can hurt!)

I can not give anyone a cure for this disease but I am hopeful that once my article to the New England Medical Journal is published I will be able receive research funding.

I can only offer some advice on how to minimize its impact on your day to day life. Catch phases like, "you can't go there tonight" or "they can't come over to play" seem to help deter this ailment or actions like not buying the item on the grocery list which is in the pantry or freezer until they go check or leaving their laundry at the bottom of the stairs seems to help.

I believe this is huge and any feedback in helping me find a cure would be greatly appreciated.

The good news of my finding is that the stay at home parent DOESN'T suffer from this ailment..thank goodness for the "Domestic Gods and Goddess"!

Friday, May 28, 2010

The Grocery List

Recently, my friend Nancy H. sent me a great link:,
which is about a husband going shopping for his wife. As I listen to the video, I felt my stomach start to tighten and perspiration start to bead on my forehead! I was able to see in my minds eye, myself standing in the baking aisle wondering what to do! I could feel his pain!!

As a trained professional at grocery shopping; I am here to tell ALL men that, "IT IS NOT YOUR FELT". I see men in this situation every time I am in the store; they are the guys standing in the center of the aisle looking at the list, then at the shelve and back at the list. Please ladies, if you see a man in this situation, introduce yourself and give them a hug telling them it is alright (IMPORTANT: the hug will probably be enough to cheer them up and please note that if it is summertime or you are in a warm climate a second hug may be needed), then offer them some help! Remember, they DIDN'T WRITE THE LIST!

There; I said it, it is the list writer's who are to blame!

The first problem is, why can't the list be written in the order of which the store is laid out? When was the last time you saw produce as the first items on the list? Never! But what is the first thing you see every time you walk in the store...produce damn it! You know the most common reason given to men why they have to go to the store is because the list writer is there everyday, well if that is the case, why can't the list be written that way. I'll tell you way! Because they want us to suffer. It is a deeply rooted type of vengeance which I think Dr. Phil needs to get his hands around!

If that doesn't put the guy over the edge then there is the nasty trick of listing items that are in the same aisle separate from each other! There is nothing more frustrating than having to go back to produce when your in aisle 15 to get grapes. Why wasn't it listed with the banana's on the the first page? Some people have serious issues.

Another evil trick is the use of measurements to throw us off. For example, the list writer will put down that they need 3 cups of whipping cream; this is a huge red flag that you have been set up, the only thing in the store that gives you measurements in "cups" are some cheese's! They sit at home and chuckle to themselves knowing you are in the dairy section saying, what the $%#@. In there sick little world they also leave out that there is heavy and light whipping doesn't matter which one you go will be wrong!

My advice to all men! Without the list writer knowing it, go to your local grocery store and become familiar with the store layout and the items.

Of course; if my hug the poor male shopper concept catches on you may want to rethink that!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Paper or Plastic?

Dressed and preparing for my daily workout; I felt the need to finish dusting the living room, when I observed one of the neighborhood dog walker's in front of my house! We all have them in our plans, they are the folks who think that their pets need the exercise as much as they do (definitely the case here). Most of these workout giants carry a plastic bag with them to scoop the poop into. Their technique is to place their hand in the bag and grab on to the pile then reverse the bag and tie; a strange and disgusting technique, yet effective and appreciated by the homeowners.

As I watched the owner of this large Basset hound, I knew that if this Tootsie roll looking creature with no legs, pinches out a loud of Kibble-n-Bits that there was no way it was getting picked if the damn dog read my mind, it bent what I think were legs and dropped the largest pile of vile that I have every seen. The owner joyfully patted "fighto" on the head and immediately returned to her "workout", leaving the steaming heap of puppy chow in my yard!

If I want dog crap or any other piles of crap in my yard, I would gladly find a way to produce and deposit them there! I don't take Max; my son's Guinea Pig, for strolls around the plan and allow him to squat wherever he wants and if I did, I would pick it up!

Realizing that I couldn't allow this violation of neighborhood etiquette to go unpunished, I sprang into action! By the time I hit the pavement, dog and owner were making the bend onto the next road. I have no idea what the hell this lady is feeding that mutt but the stench was horrific, nearly causing me to vomit as I passed by. Not wanting to look like a complete lunatic by running after them while dry heaving, I chose to follow them until they reached their humble abode before I confronted them. It was when I turned the bend and had a direct bead on them that the question of; Do animal owner's resemble their pets crossed my mind? I can't answer that question in this case since I didn't get a good look at the owner but a can confirm to everyone that the dog and it owner were identical from behind! As I continue my surveillance, I then started to think about what I was going to say, coming up with nothing more than insults and four letter words, I made the mature, adult decision to not say anything! My mother would be proud! Instead, I would wait and see where they live and then I would seek out some type of revenge.

Do I pick up the pile in plastic and put it in their mailbox (federal offense...skip it) on their front porch or do I pick up the pile in paper and put it on their front porch and light it, then ring the doorbell and run for cover. They will come to the door and stomp the small fire out!

Executive decisions!

Friday, April 30, 2010


I asked my elderly neighbor if she would like me to mow her lawn for her; she thanked me for looking out for her and asked if I would. She has been alone for many years and looks forward to talking to anyone who will listen to her stories of better times. I mowed the yard on a week day, during the day! After listening to several tales of days gone by , I got started. Once I was finished she came out and thanked me again and offered to pay me, which I declined, but she shoved a check in pocket. As I said goodbye to this kind old lady, she asked me if "I was retired" !

Bitch! Retired, do I look as old as you? Sure, I am a card holding member of the Bus Stop Coffee Club, I have paper cuts on my fingers from coupon clipping, the greeters at Wal-Mart know me by name and I yell at the mailman if he is late but "Retired"

Do I walk up to you and ask if you "are living". NO!

My mower isn't self propelled, I pushed that puppy for the two freaking hours it took to mow your crabgrass filled lot. Retired! Those three filthy animals that I take care of everyday are my "kids", not my "grand kids". Retired.

I can not find any good in here question so I am going to take a nap before the noon news!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

A New Season!

First, I have to apologize for not blogging in so long! A very busy; still unemployed, several weeks has taken up all my time.

I got up the other morning and really felt different! I couldn't tell what it was, the sun was shining and the temperatures were to go into the upper 70's. There was nothing special about the day; job search, housekeeping, run errands and cooking, what has become my typical day. As soon as my feet hit the floor I felt the extra energy. I opened the windows to let in the fresh spring air and immediately got the first load of laundry started. Got the little guy on the bus and back at it. Cleaned the bathrooms and floors, dusted and vacuumed, then had breakfast. I then decided to clean out the closest downstairs and that turned into cleaning out the toy room! I wasn't sure where all this energy was coming from but I was enjoying it. It was a far cry from last week; I was irritable and sluggish all week. Just didn't feel like myself.

Next, I decided to strip the beds and wash all the linens. I hate this job, what was I doing! This job simply pisses me off, as I hate dust ruffles and believe the inventor of this item should be executed. I happily muddled my way through the job and started dinner in between loads. While chopping the onion, the tears started to flow and I thought about the movie, "The Blind Side". I started to tear up while watching that a few weeks ago. I don't do that! It must be allergy season!

Next, it was off to run errands and back. I had time before the filthy animals arrived home so I started to clean the windows inside and out. Just as I was starting the first window and thinking I have never done this, it hit me! I was Spring Cleaning!

Spring Cleaning! My idea of Spring Cleaning was cleaning out the shed and hosing the garage floor! My wife did this! I immediate stopped cleaning the windows and ran to the garage, grabbed a beer and sat at my work bench to ponder this strange twist.

A whole week of irritability and sluggishness...I even felt a little bloated. Then the watery eyes during the movie and now Spring Cleaning! OMG, what next, sensitive nipples!

It's alright; I checked, all good!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Turning Pro

That's right! I am formally announcing that I have decide to wave my final month of eligibility and turn Pro! I know many of you are saying, "It's to soon!", "He's not ready" or "He is going to get injured", but after my recent morning performance, there is "No Doubt" that I am ready.

When I got up I knew I was on my game! I got the youngest on the bus at 8:07 A.M. and skipped the chit-chat at the bus stop with the other Coffee Club member's...I was mostly caught up on the going-on's in the neighborhood plus it was game day! I rushed home and double checked the list; it was long and it would take perfection to pull it off but after a couple of weeks of practice, I felt confident! The route was laid out; almost all right turns, perfect! If UPS could do it, I could! I grabbed my brown bag from the refrigerator (there was no time for breakfast so a made a half sandwich to eat on the seriously can't beat a eye of round roast, sliced paper thin sandwich)and head to the truck.

Max needed some bedding so the first stop was the pet store. I once read or heard that many people resemble their pets but didn't believe it until now. I had to pass the "bird section" and there was a mother with her "child" in a stroller. I couldn't tell you the gender because this kid looked just like the birds in front of it! I heard the mother squawk, that one of the birds looks just like theirs, when I looked up at her...Holy mother of god, I thought it was a giant yellow breasted, whip-poor-will ! There is no doubt that she could be on a postage stamp for the Audubon Society.

I couldn't dwell on this, the game was on!

From there it was off to the bank...yes, unemployed people have to go to the bank! Where do you think all those rolls of coins come from. Next stop was the grocery store to pick up a gift card for a birthday present and making a quick exit, I headed for what could be the end game, Wal-mart! The clock was ticking and I ate my sandwich at a couple lights where some driver's did not understand the concept of "right-hand turn on red" but they certainly understood what my right-hand was saying. I had to settle down as I headed in the doors of Wal-mart. The greeter spotted me immediately and began to back into the shopping carts; I think she recognizes me now, I gave her a quick smile and a big "good morning". Showed her who the greeter was! I snaked through the aisles with speed, avoiding every obstacle which that hell hole could throw at me. Through the twenty or less line and headed out the door, the poor greeter was leaning on the carts holding her chest, still stunned by my greeting to her when I let out a "have a wonderful day" to her, damn near put her over the edge!

The next stop was Costco. This was a challenge from the stand point of self control. As if I had blinders on, I swiftly made my way to my item and headed for the stopping to browse. Total discipline! Plus I got in trouble last time I was here and came home with a couple of things my wife didn't think I needed.

The clock was still ticking and I had two stops to go! Off to the store to get the propane tank filled and then a fill up for the truck!

When the truck came to rest in the driveway the time was 11:38 A.M. Three hours and thirty one minutes, a all time record for completing errands and twenty-two minutes before the noon news started, with their special on "free coupon websites"!!!!

...and you thought I wasn't ready to be a professional errand boy!


Thursday, March 4, 2010


As many of you know, I have become very good at savings when shopping, since my job situation was altered! So you can only imagine the surprise I got this Tuesday! In the mail was a advertisement from the grocery store I frequent, it had pages of items which would go on sale this Thursday! A bonanza of bargains on many of the things that my family grazes through every week. What a great find! This was huge! Not only did my grocery store have an ad but all of them did. They must have gotten together with this great concept to help out people like me!

With total excitement I began to plan for Thursday morning! There was no doubt that this would be like shopping before Christmas. I had to prepare a strategy that would rival the one my mom used in the seventies to buy my sister the "push in belly button, to make her hair longer Barbie" from Woolworth's Department store...we almost lost mom that Christmas. I immediately went to the "bunker" (aka. old office)to lay my plan out. I spread the ad across my desk and circled all the items that my family used, then a got out my coupon wallet. That's right, wallet! I'm a man and I was tired of carrying around a bright, lime green thing with coupons so I bought one of those leather wallets with a chain to use, the kind you see at the Harley-Davidson store...perfect! Tough looking, yet ideal for holding coupon separators and coupons. Maybe I should start a fashion line of these....I am on to something here! Anyway, I went through my coupons and matched the valid ones to the circled items, I could feel the savings. This was just the ground work of the planning, with an event this large, there was no doubt that my arch enemies would be out in force!

Purple Hairs! They were the meanest, nastiest, most cunning shopper's of the food chain stores. The Delta Force of the meat aisle, Green Beret's of can goods or the Seals of seafood! They used their elbows like daggers and their grocery carts like tanks! Most of their members are female and have an overall hatred for men except for their own male offspring and spouses! They wear disguises like hearing aids so that they don't have to say "thank you" or "pardon me". Glasses, so when they take the shot at you, they pretend they didn't see you. They will hang a cane on the cart to appear fragile while they are quietly thinking of a way to take you down. No doubt, Thursday morning was going to be a blood bath!

I decided that a recon mission was needed so I spent the better part of Wednesday scouting out my targeted items. I marked there location in my mind, a snapshot of my goal. I could not fail! I studied my enemy from a distance. Oh, are they cagey! They even leave their getaway car and driver out on the curb, engine running of course, for a clean escape. Their numbers increase as the day wore on, so an early attack plan was needed. In and out, no time for kindness or politeness. This was war!

Thursday morning arrived! D-Day! I had backed the truck in the night before for a quick deployment. I warmed the truck up as a got the final child off to school, not letting on to him the pearls I was about to encounter. They would just worry anyways. The deployment went as scheduled and in no time as was pulling in the parking lot...very few vehicle's, no lines outside, no tents from the night before and no cars parked at the curb...could I have achieved the element of surprise or were they waiting inside? I entered the location in stealth like fashion, area clear! Off to my first objective; achieved without resistance! Mission was going as planned and the cart was beginning to fill when I spotted her! The breakfast crowd at Denny's would be in the store anytime now! After a grand slam for breakfast they moved quickly before their internal functions kicked in gear and would prevent them from making a clean trip. She darted past the bread aisle and was heading for baking...damn it, I had to get there, I have blueberry muffin mix on my list. I quickly took the corner, cart on two wheels, clipping the end cap with my arm. I had made it! She turned the corner at the other end of the aisle and saw me. She immediately slowed her pace more like a traditional shopper but I knew this tactic from my recon mission. If I didn't evac the area immediately she would ram me away from the muffin mix. Quickly, I grabbed my three box and fled the area! Safe for the moment. At the front of each aisle, I would throw a glance outside to make sure there were no cars or worst yet, a tour bus with a sign displayed saying, "Atlantic City", another one of their shifty ploys!

I had reached all my objectives and only had the check out line in front of me. Play it cool, your almost there! Oh no, the clerk was a "purple hair"! I had not planned for this event. I couldn't proceed to the self check out because the one from baking had been stalking me and had taken a tactical position up to stop me. Acting as if nothing was going on I began to place my items on the belt...this was it!

When I finally made eye contact with her I could see it! She knew there was no stopping me...victory was mine.. and with victory came savings!