Thursday, March 4, 2010

War

As many of you know, I have become very good at savings when shopping, since my job situation was altered! So you can only imagine the surprise I got this Tuesday! In the mail was a advertisement from the grocery store I frequent, it had pages of items which would go on sale this Thursday! A bonanza of bargains on many of the things that my family grazes through every week. What a great find! This was huge! Not only did my grocery store have an ad but all of them did. They must have gotten together with this great concept to help out people like me!

With total excitement I began to plan for Thursday morning! There was no doubt that this would be like shopping before Christmas. I had to prepare a strategy that would rival the one my mom used in the seventies to buy my sister the "push in belly button, to make her hair longer Barbie" from Woolworth's Department store...we almost lost mom that Christmas. I immediately went to the "bunker" (aka. old office)to lay my plan out. I spread the ad across my desk and circled all the items that my family used, then a got out my coupon wallet. That's right, wallet! I'm a man and I was tired of carrying around a bright, lime green thing with coupons so I bought one of those leather wallets with a chain to use, the kind you see at the Harley-Davidson store...perfect! Tough looking, yet ideal for holding coupon separators and coupons. Maybe I should start a fashion line of these....I am on to something here! Anyway, I went through my coupons and matched the valid ones to the circled items, I could feel the savings. This was just the ground work of the planning, with an event this large, there was no doubt that my arch enemies would be out in force!

Purple Hairs! They were the meanest, nastiest, most cunning shopper's of the food chain stores. The Delta Force of the meat aisle, Green Beret's of can goods or the Seals of seafood! They used their elbows like daggers and their grocery carts like tanks! Most of their members are female and have an overall hatred for men except for their own male offspring and spouses! They wear disguises like hearing aids so that they don't have to say "thank you" or "pardon me". Glasses, so when they take the shot at you, they pretend they didn't see you. They will hang a cane on the cart to appear fragile while they are quietly thinking of a way to take you down. No doubt, Thursday morning was going to be a blood bath!

I decided that a recon mission was needed so I spent the better part of Wednesday scouting out my targeted items. I marked there location in my mind, a snapshot of my goal. I could not fail! I studied my enemy from a distance. Oh, are they cagey! They even leave their getaway car and driver out on the curb, engine running of course, for a clean escape. Their numbers increase as the day wore on, so an early attack plan was needed. In and out, no time for kindness or politeness. This was war!

Thursday morning arrived! D-Day! I had backed the truck in the night before for a quick deployment. I warmed the truck up as a got the final child off to school, not letting on to him the pearls I was about to encounter. They would just worry anyways. The deployment went as scheduled and in no time as was pulling in the parking lot...very few vehicle's, no lines outside, no tents from the night before and no cars parked at the curb...could I have achieved the element of surprise or were they waiting inside? I entered the location in stealth like fashion, area clear! Off to my first objective; achieved without resistance! Mission was going as planned and the cart was beginning to fill when I spotted her! The breakfast crowd at Denny's would be in the store anytime now! After a grand slam for breakfast they moved quickly before their internal functions kicked in gear and would prevent them from making a clean trip. She darted past the bread aisle and was heading for baking...damn it, I had to get there, I have blueberry muffin mix on my list. I quickly took the corner, cart on two wheels, clipping the end cap with my arm. I had made it! She turned the corner at the other end of the aisle and saw me. She immediately slowed her pace more like a traditional shopper but I knew this tactic from my recon mission. If I didn't evac the area immediately she would ram me away from the muffin mix. Quickly, I grabbed my three box and fled the area! Safe for the moment. At the front of each aisle, I would throw a glance outside to make sure there were no cars or worst yet, a tour bus with a sign displayed saying, "Atlantic City", another one of their shifty ploys!

I had reached all my objectives and only had the check out line in front of me. Play it cool, your almost there! Oh no, the clerk was a "purple hair"! I had not planned for this event. I couldn't proceed to the self check out because the one from baking had been stalking me and had taken a tactical position up to stop me. Acting as if nothing was going on I began to place my items on the belt...this was it!

When I finally made eye contact with her I could see it! She knew there was no stopping me...victory was mine.. and with victory came savings!

No comments:

Post a Comment