Friday, May 28, 2010

The Grocery List

Recently, my friend Nancy H. sent me a great link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=-YFRUSTiFUs#t=65,
which is about a husband going shopping for his wife. As I listen to the video, I felt my stomach start to tighten and perspiration start to bead on my forehead! I was able to see in my minds eye, myself standing in the baking aisle wondering what to do! I could feel his pain!!

As a trained professional at grocery shopping; I am here to tell ALL men that, "IT IS NOT YOUR FELT". I see men in this situation every time I am in the store; they are the guys standing in the center of the aisle looking at the list, then at the shelve and back at the list. Please ladies, if you see a man in this situation, introduce yourself and give them a hug telling them it is alright (IMPORTANT: the hug will probably be enough to cheer them up and please note that if it is summertime or you are in a warm climate a second hug may be needed), then offer them some help! Remember, they DIDN'T WRITE THE LIST!

There; I said it, it is the list writer's who are to blame!

The first problem is, why can't the list be written in the order of which the store is laid out? When was the last time you saw produce as the first items on the list? Never! But what is the first thing you see every time you walk in the store...produce damn it! You know the most common reason given to men why they have to go to the store is because the list writer is there everyday, well if that is the case, why can't the list be written that way. I'll tell you way! Because they want us to suffer. It is a deeply rooted type of vengeance which I think Dr. Phil needs to get his hands around!

If that doesn't put the guy over the edge then there is the nasty trick of listing items that are in the same aisle separate from each other! There is nothing more frustrating than having to go back to produce when your in aisle 15 to get grapes. Why wasn't it listed with the banana's on the the first page? Some people have serious issues.

Another evil trick is the use of measurements to throw us off. For example, the list writer will put down that they need 3 cups of whipping cream; this is a huge red flag that you have been set up, the only thing in the store that gives you measurements in "cups" are some cheese's! They sit at home and chuckle to themselves knowing you are in the dairy section saying, what the $%#@. In there sick little world they also leave out that there is heavy and light whipping cream...it doesn't matter which one you go with...you will be wrong!

My advice to all men! Without the list writer knowing it, go to your local grocery store and become familiar with the store layout and the items.

Of course; if my hug the poor male shopper concept catches on you may want to rethink that!

3 comments:

  1. Chris - First I'm amazed whenever I see friends (Nancy H.) husbands in the grocery store. Mine hasn't gone shopping in probably 22 years! I'll give you my list...I try to do it in aisle order (to the best of my ability) -produce, fruit and lunch meat are always first...My issue is with the grocery stores changing the aisles at least once a year to get us suckers to spend more money!! I'm always answering questions like where did they put the bread...Of course, anyone knows you put it next to the ice cream!!! ;)

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  2. Chris, I read your blogs. You had me laughing hysterically! My job search suggestion.... write columns for a newspaper or online publication. Better yet, go on tour as the opening act for comedians! You have some really funny stuff! When you make it big, Kay can retire, which will begin a whole new series of ideas for you! Jeanine

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  3. Hi Chirs...thank you for commenting on my husbans in the grocery store. It was funny and by now you probably have your wife trained in the proper way to write out a list. By the way this is why cell phones were invented. My wonderful husband Matt never carries his cell unless he is out shopping for me. I always remember that I forgot to add something to the list and can call him to run back to the produce isle when he is in the dairy isle. He needs all the excercise he can get. I have him pretty well trained after 22 years.. Nancy H.

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