Tuesday, February 23, 2010

An Appointment

I consider myself a semi-professional of the doctor office after this past year! The cardiologist is my favorite; I know exactly where to sit when I go in so that I have the best view of the HDTV, closest to the magazines and a view of the entry. In some "sick" way, I find comfort in knowing that I am much younger than most of the patients there. But taking my son to the pediatrician is a completely different experience!

It begins with the appointment! You need to have advance training in this art or have several years of experience in bartering for goods in the streets of Mexico City! Once the haggling over what time is settled, they politely inform you that if you are over fifteen minutes late, they reserve the right to re-schedule. Kiss my ...what are my rights after waiting an half hour or more? Re-schedule!

The next challenge was to get my son out of school early. I have enormous respect and appreciation for our educator's and all the individual's who work to further our children but damn, their tough when you want to get your child out early. I have never broken anyone or myself out of jail..contrary to rumors and popular believe, but it can't be much different than middle school! Several pieces of paper have to be completed along with multiple forms of identification, and that got me to the office! It was amazing, it smelled exactly the same as when I was in fifth grade, just missing the odor of "ditto" ink! Of course; they immediately ask for a room number and teachers name, damn test questions. I panicked, just like when I was in school and went blank...after allowing me to stutter for a second or two,they were kind enough to look it up and page my son. As I waited, I noticed the principals office and flashed back to a very bad experience, where I was sitting like I was now, but I was waiting for one of my parents to arrive for all the wrong reasons! It was really hot in there, a real nightmare!

Off to the appointment, which we were now late for. Once we got to the building: directions provided by my son, we quickly entered and signed in....14 minutes late, I showed them! It was the moment I turned around and looked at the waiting room that I was glad the old ticker had been fixed! There were kids everywhere but only several adults. The child to adult ratio had to be six to one, and that was including me! I thought we in Utah for a second. My son quickly knew I was stunned and led me to a couple of seats in the corner, wise young man, where we sat to await our turn. I scanned the room of children and realized that I should have been wearing a surgical mask to prevent some sort of airborne infection. Sick, polluted, little germ factories, working overtime! I then noticed a beautiful young girl, maybe four or five that was just staring at me. She had long brown hair and brown eyes as large as saucers, she had her head resting on her mother's shoulder for comfort and the largest green "chunk of gunk" I have ever seen coming out of her nose! As if planned, she let out a yawn and that "chunk of gunk" became the largest nose bubble in history...popping into her mother's hair!

What contest in hell did I win to end up here?

Friday, February 19, 2010

Figure Skating

I can't watch the Olympic Figure Skating Competition any longer!

This has nothing to do with the skater's. The men and women who compete are strong and talented individuals; they train long, hard and endure a lot of sacrifice to master this very difficult event. I consider Figure Skating a sport similar to; well, Synchronized Swimming.

My problem is with the announcers. It is painful for my brain to listen to them! If they would announce the event more like a sport and less like a fashion show, it would be fun to watch! If these same announcers were calling a NHL hockey game it would be terrible...

Announcer: Sidney Crosby has the puck on a breakaway and he shoots and scores! That is simply scrumptious!

Announcer: The penalty call is for tripping, that wasn't a trip! Boy, the makes me so mad I could crush a grape!

Announcer: That slap shot just makes me tingle to my toes!

Announcer: Delicious, just a Delicious play!

Announcer: He is one of the most elegant and delightful skater's they have!

Announcer: His form is a real treat, true eye candy to the fans!

I can't do anymore, my brain is beginning to hurt again!



Please call the event like a sport!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Safety First!

Sorry for not posting yesterday but it was a holiday and I took the day off. Since I have always been at a loss at what we are to do on President's Day, I did my usual trip to local cemeteries in search of heads stones with president's names. You would be surprised at how many you can find! "Obama" seemed to escape me but it wasn't for my lack of effort.

The kids wee off school and went back on Friday morning after a two hour delay, torture! Completely throwing me off schedule! My highlight was on Thursday when I had had enough and announced that each of them would be assigned a bathroom to clean. (each week going forward) After an amusing half hour of complaints, they all arrived to meet me in the first bathroom wearing plastic gloves with rubber bands around the wrists. Priceless. They all did a good job and now have a healthy respect for perfecting their individual aim!

After the herd had moved onto other pastures on Friday, I decided to complete a overdue task. The kids had been asking me to put in the new shower head which I was recently given. The Oxygenics 60110 Chrome. The baby can be adjusted from 20 to 120 p.s.i. WHAT? 120 pounds per square inch! This sucker could rip off a body part! I sat on the toilet reviewing the minimal directions and made; what I feel were three important discoveries, this thing came in a plain cardboard box(always suspicious), it looked like a fire hose nozzle (takes two-2 firefights to control a fire hose)and the directions said the "ideal comfort and performance level is 40 to 80 p.s.i." (why do I need 120 p.s.i's then).

I was very concerned about putting this pressure washer in the main bathroom out of fear for the kids but thought I could put it in and I would test it myself first! Always thinking of their "safety first". The install was easy and I turned it on for a look see...didn't seem to awful. As I got ready for the "dry run"; I began to think, what if it did rip off a body part? This would be a tragedy, I don't want to loss a body part, Valentine's Day is in two days...that would put a "damper" on the romantic side of that event. Oh, god no! I am home alone! Again; falling back to "safety first", I immediate got the "Reader's Digest-Everything you need to know about first aid" book, sat back down on the toilet, and began to study. A short time later I was ready to handle the loss of a limb or any other important body part. I placed my emergency first aid items on the toilet seat beside my cellphone, (pre-dialed to 911 so I only had to hit send, I may not be able to walk), there was the tourniquet to stop the bleeding and a Ziploc bag (gallon not quart)to place the severed limb into for transport to the ER for reattachment. Preparation is the key to success! I got into the shower and very carefully "backed" into the stream of water..to my surprise it felt invigorating and brisk!

I can say, the Oxygenics 60110, is a great shower head for loosening the shoulder, neck and back muscles. I can't say anything else since I didn't allow the water to hit anywhere else...

always thinking "safety first".

Monday, February 8, 2010

The Irony!

My very loving mother recently ordered me a subscription to Consumer Reports. Today; a very nice "Welcome" card arrived from the publication with my two free gifts. What a treat!

The first gift was a booklet entitled, "How to Clean Practically Anything". Unbelievable! Did they do some kind of background check? Did Mom fill out some kind of questionnaire about me? Maybe they were following my blog!

Then I saw gift number two; another booklet, the "Buying Guide 2010".

Sure, I am in the market for big ticket items; in between cleaning the kitchen floor and scrubbing the toilets, right before filing my by-weekly unemployment claim! There is someone in the subscription department at Consumer Reports just cracking themselves up right now!

I am starting to think that my life is someone's specimen cup!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Mercy Killing

If you ever see me sitting on the bench in Wal-mart; at the front of the store with a blue tooth in my ear, wearing a Viagra ball cap and eyeballing the greeter top to bottom. Please, please, take me outside and push me in front of the first car that is not yielding to pedestrians.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Super Bowl of Potato Soup!

First; I don't want any smart ass comments! I am doing this for all the die hard Steeler fans that will have to endure the torture of watching any other team play this Sunday!

1-1/2 cups of chopped onion
5-6 medium potato's (peeled and chopped)
1/2 cup of chopped celery
1 -32 oz. carton of chicken broth
1/2 teaspoon of salt
1/4 teaspoon of pepper
1/2 cup of all-purpose flour
1-1/2 cups half and half (one cup fat-free half and half)
1- 8 oz. bag of shredded cheddar cheese (2 cups)
Bacon bits

In a skillet, cook onion in 1 cup of water with approximately 20-30 bacon bits.

Spray your crock-pot or use liners (great new product). Add your broth,potato's, onions/bacon bit (water drained), celery, salt and pepper.

Cook on low for 6-7 hours, covered.

Mix your flour and half & half with a wire whisk until blended and stir into soup. Increase your heat to high and cook for 30 more minutes, covered or until thickened. Stir in your cheese until melted and smooth.

Can top, when served, with additional bacon bits.

Secondly; if I find this on the menu at Pittsburgh's best Deli and Catering service, I will expect a large sum of money! I don't want to name name's but Strictly Business Catering- http://www.strictlybusinesscatering.com, might just be re-named "Chris's- Strictly Business Catering!"

ENJOY!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

I thought I could make it...

I thought I could make it until Monday for an update but I hit a whole new level.

Yesterday; a good friend, concerned with my well being and my families stability came up with a career option I had not thought of....Pampered Chef!

Holy mother, you have to be kidding me, Pampered Chef! You may as well put Chef Ramsey from the Hell's Kitchen show in charge of the buffet at Disney World!

I am sure my invitation list; Dad, brother's, hockey coach's, hunting and fishing buddies would enjoy an evening of recipes and cookware talk but I don't think there is enough beer in Milwaukee to handle such an event.

Please keep the career options coming; I am going to get beer!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Question

Do you dust around or pick it up? The better question may be, "will she check?"

I have decided to go once a week on the blog. If I keep going day by day; I may depress myself to much as I enter the Day number. Check in each Monday for updates!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

One Month - Manly Men

I never thought it would come to this! I'm not talking about going a whole month without work but the fact I have been to the grocery store enough times that employee's recognize me and say, "Hello".

Today, I went as always, in my pickup truck, wearing my faded jeans and black hike boots. A sweatshirt and flannel jacket sporting a three day old, five o'clock shadow and a ski cap.

And if carrying a bright, lime green, velcro coupon holder doesn't say, "I am a man", I don't know what does!

Monday, February 1, 2010

Day 29 - ...and then there was...

There was the discovery of fire!

Then the wheel!

Then there was electricity!

Then men on the moon!

NOW, to my thrill there is...Slow Cooker Liners. I believe!