Sunday, January 31, 2010

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Day 27 - Opposite's Attract

Tonight while driving home from a hockey game, a coyote ran across the interstate in front of us! Now, everyone who knows me, knows my passion for the outdoors and the sporting events that go with it. I was excited to see a coyote and kind of sad that the kids had not but my wife had also seen it. A short time later I asked my wife if that was the first coyote she had seen?

Her response was, "...do you mean other than on Gunsmoke?"

Friday, January 29, 2010

Day 26 - My house must be haunted.

I'm afraid it is true! The only explanation I have for some of the mysterious happening here is the paranormal! I'm not talking full body apparitions or satanic, evil things; just your run of the mill mischievous spooks that get a kick out of torturing a middle aged, unemployed, stay at home dad! In this case, that is me.

I am so convinced that Casper is lurking in the shadows, I have invited Ghost Hunter's International to come and investigate these phenomenons. A couple of examples that I sent them are:

1. The first activity never happens when I am home alone. After everyone comes home, this frigid little specter likes to crank the heat up in the house a couple degrees. I have never seen the thermostat actually get changed and when I ask everyone who is in the house if they saw anything, they all say that they were no where close to the thermostat!

2. Here is a really strange thing; the spook drinks things from our refrigerator. Again, I haven't witnessed the act of a gallon of milk hovering up in the air on its own, with the milk disappearing but I have surveyed the entire family and "No One" can explain the different empty beverage container that are always in there. I thought I would find an explanation until...

3. It eats! Just like the refrigerator, I keep finding empty nacho chip bags, potato chip bags in the pantry. Damn snack junky, bet it has a weigh problem but...

4. Here is the Loch Ness Monster of mystery's. Appearntly from drinking and eating so much, Nessie must have to use the toilet! The toilet paper continues to disappear and only the empty holder is left. When I question all the household member's I am guaranteed that they all replace the TP when required. I am starting to see a pattern.

And finally, the real clincher! It made yesterday's blog titled, " Day 25 - I think I am going crazy." disappear.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Day 24 - I never knew!

I was amazed at the amount of Valentine's Day cards in the stores! It was like a virtual goldmine of Hallmark cardboard and tissue in aisles of red and pink. Normally the sections for; Mom, Mother, Mom from both of us, Sweetheart, etc. are empty from Christmas and only a few mushy one's are laying around when I go. My luck is changing, I can feel it!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Day 23 - Learning

I have always told my kids and the player's I coach that they will never meet a person that they can't learn something from and they should strive to learn something new everyday! I thought I would share a few things I learned today.

Aliens from outer space are being denied their rights! That's right! Space aliens that have given birth here in our great nation are secretly being denied citizenship by our government. This is incredible! I am sure that the Rev. Sharpton and Jackson will soon be marching on Area 51 and the ACLU will file a federal law suit. I bet President Obama will leave this out of the State of the Union Address tomorrow.

"Batboy", the half human-half bat thing is alive and well, raising a family a short distance from the cave he was found in It is without a doubt that PETA will be involved to protect his "bat" half from his "human half".

The next seven things I can't explain but "I was Shocked" They certainly were 7 secrets that only women know because I never heard of any of them!

Oh; almost forgot, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are in Splitsville. Not sure where that is but I don't think it is around Pittsburgh.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Day 22 - Going Green

Every morning; I prepare for a day of laundry, today I made a major break through.

Each morning I find on top of the laundry pile all the night time apparel. Flannel pajamas, two pair of sweatpants, multiple t-shirts, pair of shorts and a couple pair of socks. Why do we even have any bed linens? (please see Day 16). Buy a sleeping bag. This entire pile equals a single load of laundry in itself! For a front loading washer, that is approximately 14 gallons of water per day or 5,110 gallons per year. If you have a top loader, that is approximately 40 gallons of water per day or 14,600 gallons of water per year! Huge!! Millions and millions of gallons of water saved if we all do our part.

Sleep in the buff American!

High-five me on another worldly problem solved!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Day 21 - Training

Conducted a training class today with my daughter. Life lessons are important and with the unfortunate extra time I have now, I feel that it is well spent passing on these pearls of wisdom. I would feel terrible sending her out in this sometimes cruel world without warning her of its dangers.

We went to Wal-Mart to gather supplies, just a short list to start.

As luck would have it she got to witness the Wal-Mart leaner within a very quick period of time. My very astute student, quickly made her own observation, the Wal-Mart Shuffle! This is the shopper or lack thereof, that shuffles about the store and doesn't buy anything. They move very slow and must all have a hearing problem or not have a working knowledge of the english language because none of them respond to the phrase, "excuse me". The teacher becomes the student!

Then it happened, we observed a Wal-Mart employee conducting his own training class for future Wal-Mart leaner's!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Day 20 - Normal

Hockey Game in the morning...cars washed...another hockey game this evening! Healthy insanity with a shot of testosterone. Feels like 21 days ago.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Day 19 - Good guys finish last.

For countless loads of laundry, I have carefully folded each item (as best as I can) for this entire house. I have placed their individual piles on their beds for each of them to put away; it took some reminding, but they always did it. Today, the nice guy decided to put their clothes in their drawers for them.

You can not imagine the horror when I opened my son's drawer! There; balled up like a chewed up piece of gum in the street, were the jeans I so carefully folded yesterday. I immediately had to take a glycerin pill to stop the onset of a heart attack! I know it was the same pair because they have holes in them and I always wonder how many pair of his jeans have holes. It then dawned on me that he wears the one pair every other day! Maybe if I make them into "cutoffs" it will free up some room in the drawer. Upon further investigation and a second pill, I discovered every drawer looked like the "junk drawer" in the kitchen...don't act like you don't know what that is, we all have one. After resting for a moment and much hesitation, I opened his closet door. Holy mother! Why did I bother putting all that stuff on hangers?

I was sure my little princess would have neatly put her clothes away. Drawer one didn't even have clothes in it! There were bottles of all kinds of crap piled up; nail polish, moisturizer, nail polish remover, cleaner and more nail polish. WHY? The second drawer contained all her cute tops, the same cute tops that are a real pain in my spin cycle to fold tops. Every single one of them looked like the discarded gum wrapper's from the above filthy animals room. I then opened the closest; the agitator cycle engaged when I realized that everything on the floor would fit in the drawer of bottles!

My final sliver of light, the little fella would not have developed these terrible traits in his short time on our planet...

We will never know, since I couldn't even pry his drawer's or closest open!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Day 18 - Etch A Sketch

My mother told me I played with the Etch A Sketch way to much. I almost called her today to see the living room carpet! After an hour of vacuuming, it looked better than the grass outfield before game one of the world series...and no footprints yet! I could start a career in "carpet art."

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Day 17 - Politicians

While muddling through my chores I listen to the television. The first week was flipping between the major news networks, listening to the talking heads put their network's spin on the same stories. The only take away from this experience was we elect some "real pieces of work" on both sides of the aisle! How do they get elected?

In week two, I began to explore what other shows I could listen to and quickly found myself changing the station on a more frequent basis. Today, it hit me like a lightning bolt. For the fortune of the masses and the future of our nation, I have discovered the reason why...Soap Operas! That's right, Soap Opera's!

Soap Opera's are completely unrealistic just like some of our politicians! They are mind numbing shows, similar to a politicians answer to a difficult question. There is nothing positive. Both their stories never change from year to year, sound familiar! It is the same old character's and they never seem to age! They pretend to be people that they really aren't. They are made up of actors/actresses that can not make it to the big screen, just like our senators/representatives that can not make it to the White House. I know this is scary stuff but millions of people watch soap opera's and millions vote for these politicians. Coincidence, I think not!

If you are a soap opera viewer, I beg you to stop! You are being sucked into to this horrible plan and don't even know it. Save yourself before it is to late! For us non-viewers; like the grains of sand in an hourglass, time is ticking away...save a soap opera viewer today!

Our country depends on it!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Day 16 - Stripping!

Get your minds out of the gutter, I am referring to the nasty job of stripping the beds! It isn't the actual task of doing this as much as I don't understand "why" we have to have so many linens for one bed! Anyone who has had to do this job would never design a bedroom with a bed against the wall. I count a total of five different linens per bed. I completely understand the "pillow case" and the "flat sheet" (I think is what it is called) and get the idea of the "fitted sheet" (again, I think that is what it is call).

My problem starts with the "dust ruffle" (see above). This is the biggest pain the butt I have had to deal with. This had to be designed by a very angry person. I assume the idea is to prevent "dust" from getting under the bed but I think it so kids can hide junk instead of putting it where it belongs. Judging by the amount of dust on said items, the damn ruffle doesn't work anyways. Once the "dust ruffle" is exactly in place you have to put the mattress back on. I don't care what you tell me; it can not be done without messing up the "dust ruffle"! Impossible! You spend another five or ten minutes going from side to side pulling and straightening. The other probelm with the "dust ruffle" is keeping it in place while you put the "fitted sheet" on.

I am not referring to the "fitted sheet" that we actually sleep on but the "fitted sheet" which has to go on the mattress before we put the "fitted sheet" on that we sleep on! I believe this is for padding; seriously padding, have you looked at the mattress...that is padding! Again, you have to lift the mattress on all four corners to stretch this sheet into place, messing up the "dust ruffle" as you go. If and when you get it in place so that it is actually on correctly, you have to go side to side fixing the "dust ruffle" again.

If that wasn't enough, you have to do it again with the next "fitted sheet" then you have to do the "flat sheet". The "flat sheet" is the easiest since you only have to lift one end of the bed!

Here is the solution:

Give all your linens to the homeless; they can use them and they will not have the issues I have because they don't have beds! Next, buy a sleeping bag and place on each bed... easy on , easy off!

As for the dust underneath each bed...well, that is why vacuum cleaners have attachments.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Tiger and I

I am to laundry what Tiger Woods is to golf! I am in a committed relationship to wash my workout clothes separately. While maintaining that relationship, I juggle a load of brunette's and multiple loads of blonde's!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Day 13 - OMG

While standing in the checkout line I bought a "Slow Cooker Cookbook !" OMG! I am going to cry myself to sleep now.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Day 12 - Conditioning

I really can't recall the last time I cleaned the shower/bathtub. The one thing I quickly remembered; as I began, was you can't do it without getting wet! The first droplets of water hit my clothes as I started to remove the dozen or so conditioner and shampoo bottles that litter each corner. Why had I not noticed these before? I fancy myself as a hair guru as you can tell by my pic and accomplish this feat everyday with one bottle. It says, "Mens, Conditioner and Shampoo, 2 in 1." So knowing what wonders one bottle can do, I had to analyze the rest of the salon collection of hair care products.

The first bottle I picked up promised, "80% stronger hair immediately"! This is done because it has "vitamin b12 & gelatin". Damn, a health snack for the follicles. I need to put jello on my list.

The next item labeled itself as a "potion" (this cracked me up) and a "fusion of Coco Mango & pearls". Pearls, how much does this stuff cost and can I throw out the coco mango and just have to pearls? Common everyone, you have to be kidding me! Someone received money for coming up with that crap?

Items three and four made the best promises yet! One "tames & streamlines" and the other "Smoothes and Aligns". Seriously; aligns your hair, aligned with what? The other hairs! Why do we have combs and brushes? Someone is misleading someone. What does "streamlined" hair look like?

I fear our generation may be lost.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Day 11 - Tar

Picking up where I was yesterday, I attacked the floors this morning! Once again, I gathered the bucket, mop styled cleaning tool and made a random selection from the chemical collection. I prepared the floors by sweeping; amazed at the volume of miscellaneous debris from all areas. I started to mop the entry floor from the garage with enthusiasm when I realized that many of the marks were not disappearing. Maybe if I press harder, no. How about if I use a sponge. no. O.K. a scrub brush will work, no! Upon closer examination I realized that it was "tar"! You have to be kidding me. It is January in Pittsburgh; the temperature has not been out of the 20's for a month, you can't even buy the stuff at Home Depot now! There will not be enough days in the week for the amount of therapy I will need!

I immediately began to check the sole of every shoe I could find. Why in the world can't these kids take their shoes off and neatly put them together? One shoe is two feet away from its mate. I can't wait until they get home from school. After twenty minutes of searching and straightening shoes I was no closer to solving the problem or finishing the task.

The simple solution was the same technique used to clean grease off of a tool or part; gas! I got the gas from the shed with new renewed enthusiasm knowing that the job would soon be done. While searching for a container to pour the gas in a came across the Goo-Gone in the chemical stash. I hadn't had time to check this out yesterday in my panic but paused to do so now. Making an executive decision, I decide to try the Goo-Gone first...BAM...tar was coming up! The smell was strong but after five minutes or so I began to enjoy the citrus aroma. I was so excited, I ran into the bathroom and tried it on the over spray on the toilets (still and issue-can't wait to they get home). It took me several hours but I did ever floor with this stuff! I wonder how much a bottle of this costs?

A bit of advise; use extreme caution if you do an entire area with this product, you could slip and fall when you go across it in your socks. I think the fumes may some effect also.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Day 10 - I think my wife may be a terrorist!

Today's project was to be cleaning the floors. I proceeded to the laundry room ( I spend way to much time in that area) to retrieve the tools of my labor...bucket, some sort of mop thing and whatever cleaner is required for this project. That is when the warning bells went off! I opened a cabinet which I can't remember being in before and found the stash of chemicals! Pinesol, Lysol, Clorox, Pine scented ammonia, Goo-Gone (what the?). You can imagine my disbelieve! These things have chemicals in them like Ammonium Hydroxide Solution and Sulfamic Acid; I don't know what that means but they all have other words like Caution, Danger, Harmful and DON'T MIX! If I used these things and had the residue on my hands; then attempt to get on a flight in the same day, I would end up in Gitmo doing laundry! Who needs all these things and why are there so many different kinds? As I elevated my threat level to "red", I immediately went to check the rest of the house and confirmed my suspicions. Under each sink, in every bathroom were more stashes. Each of these contained one bottle of the same chemicals; Scrub Free, Soft Scrub and Clorox Toilet Bowl Cleaner to name a few. By distributing one bottle to each area she had cleverly masked her stockpiles! Brilliant! I then remember the pantry, more! She was buying in bulk; three more bottles of toilet bowl cleaner, that made six in the house. Costco must have her video filling up carts of this stuff. In the interest of national security I decided not to clean today; to preserve the evidence, until I have researched this on the web.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Grocery Store (2)

After meeting with my fellow coffee club members at the bus stop this morning, I decided to follow the advice of these cagey veterans of the supermarket and go to Wal-Mart instead of the run of the mill grocery store! I grabbed my list and coupons and was on my way.

Having spent more time in WM (not in the food section) than at the grocery store, I was much more comfortable upon entry. Again, their was produce and my banana's and lettuce, two items down, going well! Moving down aisle one was when I first encountered what I will call the "Wal-Mart leaner". (WML) This is the act of leaning on the cart with your hands folded in the middle and above the child seat, on top of your coat. The fact that their coat is off should have been the first warning sign of trouble. The back must be bent at forty-five degrees at the waist and the pace of the walk is similar to an arthritic slug on its way to its own funeral! They position themselves in the middle of the aisle so that there is minimal effort to get any item that peeks their interest. The "WML" doesn't carry a list, they appear to be grazing and completely oblivious to the shopper's behind them...ME! If I only encountered one "WML" it would have been great but it appears that there is some kind of cult that frequents the grocery section there. Be Careful if you go there (I will not go back) and if you find yourself leaning, "Get Out and Save Yourself." I don't know where I am going to get food now!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Day 8 - The Grocery Store

After getting the kids off to school, I thought I would venture out to the grocery store so to beat the embarrassment of being a rookie shopper. With total confidence, I proudly entered with my list in hand. Produce was the first section and I immediately spied the bananas and lettuce; two items down, this is easy. As I made my way through produce, it became apparent that I was not the only one who thinks that shopping early is a good idea. There was a least another dozen or so shoppers and "none" of them were of my gender. The only male in sight was an elderly produce employee quietly arranging his grapes in the corner. Suddenly, I saw her coming towards me; a friend of my younger son's mother, I managed a smile and prepared for the conversation. As expected she immediately inquired as to why I was out shopping. I briefly explained my situations and politely asked how she was. She began to tell me how she had to shop early for supplies for a PTA event and without missing a beat proceeded to explain why "men like me" need to be more active in the PTA. (Men like me! What does that mean?) I nodded in agreement and then excused myself to resume my shopping. I proceeded to aisle 2, where I left my cart with the bananas and lettuce and came home. I think I'll try again tomorrow, at a different time.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Day 7

Day of rest! Got up at 6:00 for my teams hockey game, a victory! A well needed shot of testosterone. When I got home, my wife moaned that she was on load number three of laundry! This is curious since I have only had one load per day all week and everything was done. It only has been a day since I last did it....I have a bad feeling about this, a very bad feeling! I have to go read the "Tide" bottle.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

The Beginning!

I was facing unemployment for the first time in my life and needed to prepare for that day. The internet had a ton of useful information and I spent many hours researching, networking and surfing the web in preparation of the day. I was confident that when that terrible day arrived I was ready!

Thankfully, my wife had recently gone back to work full time after many years of taking great care of our home and three growing children. Our home was perfectly clean and the kids were always prepared for school and their individual events. I pitched in from time to time to help her with her endless efforts but really went around in my own little world. Again, I was confident that the household chores would not be a problem when that terrible day arrived!

The "terrible day" arrived and I hit the ground running on the job search. I also started to post my day to day experiences on Facebook in a cry for help...not much was offered but led to this blog. After some encouragement and the knowledge that there are many more spouse's paddling through the same challenges I decided to share these experiences on a open platform.

Please add your thoughts, comments and experiences. Together we can conquer and clean our way back into the workforce or else perish!

Remember, unemployment is only a temporary setback, be proud, confident and keep the Lysol bottle full!

Below are the first listing to catch up to date:

Day 2 - of cleaning out the office...18 years of crap, what a packrat :-)


Day 3 - since the career ended. I woke up this morning and thought to myself, "what am I going to make for dinner." Then my sister-in-law called "me" for a recipe...OMG.


Day 4 - and I am "On Strike" from doing laundry! Certain members of this house need to figure out how to put their clothes in the laundry without them being inside out. Those articles of clothing will not get washed until said owner corrects said issue! It is time us laundry doer's make a stand...join me in this effort, America!


Day 5 - BATHROOMS! How the hell do you miss? Its as if the toilet isn't there and fire hose let loose. It isn't like pouring 5 gallons into a thimble, it is more like a thimble into a 5 gallon bucket. Lucky it is a snow day because there is a little re-training happening today.


Day 6 - Started a blog